


tunnel vision

by toastyhyun



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drinking, First Time Blow Jobs, Gay Panic, M/M, Partying, basically the college romcom kenvi deserve, gay porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 03:04:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14685138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastyhyun/pseuds/toastyhyun
Summary: “I’m gay,” says Wonshik, looking away from Jaehwan and then down at his chest. He hooks his fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulls it down a little, revealing that colorful tattoo Jaehwan had seen in the classroom. It’s a rainbow. “Is that not-- I mean. I didn’t put pronouns or anything in the lyrics, but I figured it was pretty clear. You aren’t… you don’t have a problem with that, do you?”“No!” Jaehwan might shout it a little louder than he needs to, startling Wonshik and making him jump a little, before hurrying to correct his volume. He meets Wonshik’s eyes as earnestly as he can and smiles, reassuring, “No, no. I don’t have a problem with that.”





	tunnel vision

**Author's Note:**

> written for the sekoret night exchange, for the prompt ab jaehwan having a gay awakening bc of wonshik, ft. 92 line. hope it satisfies whoever prompted it!!!
> 
> this is where i'd usually thank appia for helping me along the way but e made us write our projects betaless so ill curse em instead!!!¡!! thanks for editing it after and helping me make it readable tho. and also for posting this for me bc im lazy.

“Songwriting? Really? Can you even read sheet music?”

Jaehwan makes a wounded noise and presses a hand to his chest, leaning back in his seat, “Um! Yes! Do you not remember my beautiful piano solo in the fifth grade talent show?”

Heeyeon snorts round her mouthful of pastry, only lifting a hand to somewhat cover her mouth before she speaks, cafe food still in her mouth, “Yeah. I remember you fucking up a bunch, and then giving up halfway to just sit on top of the piano and sing the rest acapella.”

Pouting, Jaehwan looks off to intently stare at the wall and folds his arms over his chest, miffed. “I needed more credit to get into that summer singing program, and my advisor said my best bet was a first year class that I could pass easily. I thought songwriting would be interesting, okay?”

“I’m not telling you not to do it,” she says, after she’s chewed properly and swallowed, reaching across their table to give Jaehwan’s head a little pat and smile. “I’m just saying you might not be so good at it! Maybe you should make friends quick so you can pawn some talent off of them before you flunk your first assignment. You don't want to lose your full ride.”

“Make friends with a bunch of freshman?” Jaehwan grimaces and reaches down for a muffin, stuffing his mouth with half of it. “Yeah, right.”

\---

“Taking this class was a mistake,” groans Jaehwan into the surface of his chair's fold-out desk, after everyone around him has already cleared out of the lecture hall. He’s being dramatic, he knows, but there’s a little bit more allowance for that when he’s a musical theatre student. (At least, that’s what he tells his friends.)

Besides, he’s in way over his head. He’d thought the entire class would be talking about the syllabus, like most of his first year classes had been when he’d started uni, but they’d barely touched the topic. Apparently, everyone else _checked their emails_ and _followed instructions_ to review the syllabus before class. Nerds.

They’re supposed to come to class next week with a rough set of lyrics and a melody to go along with them. Jaehwan doesn’t even know what program he’s supposed to install on his laptop in order to be able to make the kind of file that the assignment requires. This is hell? He's going to fail. Heeyeon was right. His life is flashing before his eyes, one amazing achievement after another. God, he’s lived a great life.

"Are you, uh, alright?" The question comes from a deep voice somewhere in front of him, and Jaehwan is convinced it's Death coming to claim him early, before he fails this class and loses his scholarship and his mother kills him instead. 

When he lifts his head, though, it's just a regular guy standing in the row of seats directly in front of him, probably somewhere around his age, hands tucked into the pockets of his leather jacket and dark wash jeans clinging tight to his legs. He's got earrings littering the shells of his ears, and Jaehwan thinks he might see a very colorful tattoo peeking up over the collar of his shirt. This all would be intimidating, if he didn't have the posture of a middle schooler asking out their crush, shoulders hunched and face soft and shy.

"No," bemoans Jaehwan, never one to pass up an opportunity to whine at anyone willing to listen, letting his head loll to the side and putting on his best pout. "I thought this class would be _easy_. Instead we have to... like, do shit? Hard stuff! I don't know anything about anything except how to sing and act sometimes."

Earring Boy is looking at him like he's grown a second head. It's only now that Jaehwan realizes with a start that this is one of his TA's for the class, introduced very briefly in the beginning when he'd been rapidly trying to pull up the syllabus on his phone to get an idea of what was going on. (It hadn’t helped.)

"This is a songwriting course," says Earring Boy, slowly, like he's talking to a child -- Jaehwan can't remember his name for the life of him. He thinks it might start with Won -- Wonbin? Wonhae? "Everyone here has taken music theory classes before, it's, like… it’s just kind of common sense? It's like trying to learn to run before you can walk."

"I thought this was a first year class!" Jaehwan wails and buries his head into his hands, stretching his cheeks back and bowing his face to the desk as his voice goes squeaky, distressed. 

"It's a 200-level course," says Won-Bearer-Of-Bad-News, like that explains everything. 

"I'm going to die," says Jaehwan, a sense of finality leaking through into his voice. He can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. "This is it. This is where my academic career and life come to an end, at the hands of Professor Pickle Dick."

"Professor Park," corrects his TA, meek.

"Whatever," mutters Jaehwan. He pauses in thought, before he's reaching over to grab onto the back of the chair in front of him, leaning in towards his TA. The fold-out desk digs painfully into his stomach, but he’s determined. "If I don't become famous posthumously, you have to spread word of how great I was; I know my friends won't do it. Lee Jaehwan, okay? Singing prodigy, theatre genius, and overall great looking guy. Don't forget it."

"Kim Wonshik," is the only reply he gets, paired with a slowly growing, shy grin. Jaehwan squints. "I can see why you're in theatre, drama queen. Are you sure you don't just want me to help you? That's, um, kinda what I'm here for. Death doesn't have to be the only option."

"I could kiss you," says Jaehwan, face straight, and that makes Wonshik throw his head back with laughter.

\---

"Professor Park lets me keep this studio to myself so I can work all I want to," says Wonshik over his shoulder, after he's led Jaehwan down through the catacombs of the music building. He pulls a key out from where it's tied to a string round his neck, leaning down to unlock the door before tucking it back down his shirt.

"How old are you?" Jaehwan asks as he steps through the door and shuts it behind himself, glancing round the small room to take in the space.

It's lit only by some dollar-store-bought, purple fairy lights that are taped to the walls, and even as Wonshik dashes around to try and clean up as fast as he can, it's clear that a lot of time has been spent in here. It's lived in -- there's a pillow and a wrinkled blanket on the small couch in the corner, like nights have been slept on it. There's various things pinned to the wall above his computer monitors: pictures, scribbled-on paper ripped straight from notebooks with the holes still punched along the edge. Jaehwan figures it must be some sort of resource for inspiration, but that doesn't mean he can make sense of any of it.

"93 line," replies Wonshik, a little out of breath as he turns around to face Jaehwan again, having apparently deemed his workspace presentable after shoving all his things into the corners of the room as quickly as he could. He's smiling, looking a lot more at home here than he had in the classroom, shoulders relaxed.

"I'm older," replies Jaehwan, cheeky. "Call me hyung."

"Alright, _hyung_ , come here so I can teach you the shit everyone else already knows." Wonshik pulls a proper computer chair out from under the desk and wheels it out towards Jaehwan, clearing a small stool of the notebooks previously stacked atop it and planting himself in that. He looks silly sat on such a short seat, almost chest-level with the edge of his desk when his legs fold up, til his knees are brush the underside of it.

Jaehwan sits and rolls himself over, more than comfortable in the leather of a proper chair. He feels a little bad, making Wonshik sit in the shitty seat, but not bad enough to where he’ll offer to switch. “What’s your major?” he asks, not-so-sneakily scouring Wonshik’s desktop after the computer wakes to see if he can spot any incriminating folders.

“Composition,” replies Wonshik, opening some program Jaehwan’s never heard of. There’s already a project open, the screen full of different colors and layers of what he guesses are different instruments and tracks? He’s totally out of his element.

“Jesus,” says Jaehwan, squinting to try and make sense of the mess of what’s on the screen. “You understand all this shit? There should be a degree just for that, that’s the real talent here.”

Wonshik rolls his eyes, laughs just a little, and reaches to tug on the arm of the chair Jaehwan’s in to pull it a bit closer, “Let me show you.”

\---

Jaehwan does finish the assignment before the next class -- almost entirely due to Wonshik’s help. He’d shown Jaehwan the specific buttons in the program he needed to know and what they did, found the links for him to torrent it for free (only after Jaehwan had complained about the absurd price, extensively), and had walked him through the process of how he personally started writing his own songs. It was the perfect lesson to get Jaehwan going on his own.

Bu really, Jaehwan manages to weasel Wonshik into doing half of the work for him; as if anyone expected him to do anything but.

It’s pretty easy -- his TA is weak to anything cute. He figured it out rather quickly, before they finished the hour or so they’d spent alone in his studio working. He’s much softer than his appearance lends, bowing to even the slightest aegyo Jaehwan put on. It’s a breath of fresh air; his friends don’t even bat an eye at his antics anymore, even when he tries his hardest. 

After going home, he finds a few days later that he still wasn’t getting anywhere with only the outline of instructions Wonshik had given him, so he texts to try and get some more advice on the rest of his work.

> 11:51pm **Me** : wonshikiiiiiiiiiiiiiie  
>  11:51pm **Me** : are u up ( *’ω’* )  
>  11:52pm **TA Wonshik** : Yeah why  
>  11:53pm **Me** : ew do u have autocorrect on  
>  11:53pm **Me** : WEAK  
>  11:53pm **Me** : anyways  
>  11:54pm **Me** : (*ﾉωヾ*)  
>  11:54pm **Me** : do u wanna help a lil birdie with his homework again  
>  11:54pm **Me** : the birdie is me  
>  11:54pm **Me** : chirp chirp ( ˘⊖˘) pls help chirp chirp  
>  11:55pm **TA Wonshik** : Do you have a built in keyboard for those or are you googling them  
>  11:55pm **Me** : THATS NOT IMPORTANT  
>  11:56pm **Me** : i might b googling them  
>  11:59pm **Me** : chirp chirp chirp!!! help please!!!!!!!!!!!  
>  12:02am **TA Wonshik** : Studio  
>  12:03am **Me** : ???????????  
>  12:03am **Me** : are u telling me to come to ur studio  
>  12:03am **Me** : wonshik its midnight why are u still at school  
>  12:05am **Me** : ??????  
>  12:05am **Me** : IM IN BED LIKE A GOOD HUMAN  
>  12:05am **Me** : you should be too  
>  12:09am **TA Wonshik** : Ill help and then go home

So, Jaehwan finds himself (very reluctantly!!!) leaving the warmth of his bed to trek back over to the music building, hat tucked over his bed-messy hair and socked feet fit lazily into a pair of slides. He cares just enough about his appearance to make sure he doesn’t smell before he goes, but that’s about as far as the attempt to be presentable goes. 

It takes a bit of guesswork and a lot of getting lost in the labyrinth of the building's basement before he finds the right place, identifiable only by the purple glow that streams out of the tiny window in the door. He knocks first, entering when he hears a vague mumble of welcome over the bass of the music coming from within.

Wonshik glances over his shoulder briefly, back at the screen, and then does a double take in looking back at Jaehwan once more, fumbling a little til he pauses the music and swivels in his chair, color high in his cheeks. He stares, looking taken aback, “Your-- clothes.”

Jaehwan glances down at himself after closing the door behind him, lifting his arms til the cuffs of his over-large sweater fall back down to his wrists, hands poking through. “I wasn’t lying about being in bed before I came,” is what he says, nose crinkled. “Sorry if I look shittier than expected.”

“No, you don’t look like shit at all, it’s-- you look cute.” Wonshik gets everything out in a rush and then pauses as he calls Jaehwan cute, as if he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, before offering a small, shy smile. Jaehwan returns the smile after a moment or two, and they stand in awkward silence til Wonshik clears his throat and turns round in his swivel chair. “What do you need help with?”

“Why are you here so late?” Jaehwan counters, draping himself all over the couch after shoving all the junk on it aside to make room and craning to try and peek at the screen from across the small room. He’s not successful.

“I’m working on something,” replies Wonshik, not looking away from his computer as he clicks around. “I didn’t realize what time it was. That, uh-- that happens a lot, when I get really into something. My friends have had to come pull me out of here to eat, before.”

“But you still saw my texts? I feel special,” coos Jaehwan, pressing his palms to his cheeks and fluttering his fingers against his temples, smiling and tilting his head. Wonshik glances back at him and chuckles, head shaking.

He gets up from his chair and wheels it to the side, pulling out the same stool from before and sitting on that instead, gesturing with his hand to call Jaehwan over, “What do you need help with?”

“Everything,” says Jaehwan, hands dropping and intonation Entirely Serious as he comes over to take his place in the big cushy chair again, making Wonshik laugh even more. 

They spent the better part of forty five minutes working on the project together, with a bit of wheedling and whining and some pouting thrown in when Jaehwan draws a blank and wants to Wonshik to fill it in with his own ideas. There’s enough done to where Jaehwan feels comfortable saying he’ll do the rest on his own, a sketched sheet of lyrics tucked into his sweater pocket and a rough file sent to his email for him to work on later, a product of both him and Wonshik.

“I can’t help you like this for every assignment, you know,” says Wonshik once he’s finished sending the unfinished melody to Jaehwan’s email. 

“I know, I know. I just needed a bit of guidance for my first time.” The cursor moves over and closes the file and, in a moment of pure brilliance and inspiration, Jaehwan reaches over and flicks the top of Wonshik’s hand where it’s atop the mouse to get him to stop from where he’d been about to close the program entirely, putting on his best smile. “Can I listen to a bit of your special project before we go, Mr. Best TA Ever?”

A flush rises in Wonshik’s face as he glances away from Jaehwan and back to his screen, just barely visible with the dull lighting in the room, teeth pulling at his bottom lip. Jaehwan figures he must be embarrassed. “It’s-- I mean. It’s not done, or anything. It’s still pretty unpolished.” Jaehwan flaps a hand around, _that doesn’t matter_ , and Wonshik only hesitates an extra second or two before he’s maneuvering the mouse round to open the file from before and then press play once it’s loaded.

The song starts off fairly empty -- simple piano, and electronically pitched up vocals that Jaehwan takes a few seconds to recognize as Wonshik’s own voice. He’s clearly untrained to sing and the octave of the song doesn’t suit his timbre at all, but it’s a cute attempt anyways. Wonshik starts mumbling something about it being a demo, and that he has someone else lined up to sing those parts anyways, but Jaehwan hushes him quickly so he can keep listening.

The vocals fade out and in comes a properly pitched voice -- Wonshik’s again, this time, but he’s rapping. Faintly, Jaehwan realizes that explains the tattoo away quite easily. Rap equals tattoos, right? Simple maths. 

The lyrics are cute -- about Wonshik not having time to date his girlfriend in between her work and his, the two of them being unable to even see each other, of how much he misses her. Jaehwan sees now why Wonshik is the TA of his class, why his professor has given him his own special studio to work in.

“I really don’t know much about music,” says Jaehwan, once what’s finished of the song has ended, “but I’m pretty sure that that was really good. Where’d you get the idea from? Trouble in lovers’ paradise?”

“Yeah,” says Wonshik, fiddling with various things on the screen and saving the file before closing the program. “Ex, now. It’s why I haven’t been able to finish it yet, I’ve kind of been sapped of my muse for the whole project since we broke up so I haven’t made any progress in a while.”

“Ah, really? Shitty,” says Jaehwan, folding himself nice and tidy on the chair, legs crossed beneath him as he tucks himself together. “Don’t worry, you’ll find another girl. Ladies are really into the whole, uh, ‘hard on the outside but soft on the inside’ thing right now, and you rock that pretty well.”

Wonshik pauses, turns away from his screen, and stares at Jaehwan. It’s the same look he’d had in the lecture hall when they’d met, like Jaehwan had said something so baffling it had completely rocked his world. He keeps staring, silent, clearly confused beyond words, until his gaze grows uncomfortably long.

“Is there something on my face?” Jaehwan doesn’t mind having attention on him, but after the silence stretches on past the point of reason, he wriggles in place, reaching up and running a hand across his cheek.

“I’m gay,” says Wonshik, looking away from Jaehwan and then down at his chest. He hooks his fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulls it down a little, revealing that colorful tattoo Jaehwan had seen in the classroom. It’s a rainbow. “Is that not-- I mean. I didn’t put pronouns or anything in the lyrics, but I figured it was pretty clear.”

Jaehwan might be malfunctioning? His mouth hangs open and his eyes flicker over to the wall behind Wonshik’s computer monitors, completely by chance, where he can now see clearly what kind of things are hanging there. Pictures from pride parades across the world, various people kissing -- mostly men and men, and women and women, little quotes about accepting oneself for who they are.

_Inspiration_ , his brain supplies. _Gay-spiration_.

He’s silent for a few extra seconds, shellshocked, long enough to where Wonshik starts to get a little furrow between his eyebrows, leaning back slightly and chewing at his lip. His voice is quiet, hesitant, guarded, “You aren’t… you don’t have a problem with that, do you?”

“No!” Jaehwan might shout it a little louder than he needs to, startling Wonshik and making him jump a little, before hurrying to correct his volume. He meets Wonshik’s eyes as earnestly as he can and smiles, reassuring, “No, no. I don’t have a problem with that.”

\---

“But... he looks so _straight_.”

Hakyeon himself looks very unimpressed, leveling Jaehwan with a Look over his coffee, like he’s personally offended him. (He probably has.) Jaehwan whines in the back of his throat, pleading for some sort of guidance, before Hakyeon sighs and shakes his head, “There isn’t a certain way you have to look or act to be gay, Jaehwan. Anyone can be gay.”

“The only gay person I’ve ever been friends with is you, I don’t know anything about this stuff,” says Jaehwan. Hakyeon continues to stare at him, stifling a little knowing smile on his face, til Jaehwan can’t stand it anymore and huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, “What! It’s true!”

“You-- nevermind, Jaehwan." Hakyeon continues to shake his head like he's Jaehwan's disappointed parent, sipping at his coffee before speaking again. "Just because I like fashion and dance and stuff a stereotypical TV gay would like doesn't mean that every gay person is the same. People wouldn't expect someone straight to be into musical theatre as passionately as you are, either. Is this really something I have to explain in detail to you?"

Jaehwan leans back in his chair and pouts, nestling his arms a little tighter around himself. "I just wasn't expecting it, ok? It's not like I have a problem with him being gay, or anything. I just feel like my gaydar should have gone off, or something. It must be malfunctioning."

"Shut the fuck up," snorts Hakyeon, reaching across the table to steal a scone off Jaehwan's plate and pop it into his mouth before the theatre student can even protest. "Your gaydar is far from malfunctioning, I think it's just broken. If straight people even having gaydars were a thing, I mean. He _literally_ has a tattoo of a rainbow on his tit. And he goes to every single GSA meeting and event, I'm pretty sure. He's been at everything I've ever gone to, at least."

"Does he really go to GSA?" Jaehwan reaches up, tapping at his bottom lip thoughtfully, He squints up at the ceiling, thinking intently in silence for a few moments, before shyly tacking on, "Gay Sex Anonymous, right?"

"That doesn't even make sense," says Hakyeon, brows furrowed in concern as he's clearly trying very hard not to laugh. "Are you from the twenties, or something? Are you a vampire? Who from this century doesn't know what GSA is?"

"I don't know, I told you I don't know any of this," squeaks Jaehwan, covering his face in shame. He feels like an idiot. 

He sought out Hakyeon for some advice on how to handle the revelation that Wonshik was gay, not knowing any other gay people well enough who also knew Wonshik to be able to ask comfortably; he wasn't looking to be talked down to for things he simply had never had an interest in learning about until now.

His embarrassment with his ignorance must show. Hakyeon takes a breath, blows it out, and tilts his head to the side, seemingly sympathetic. "It stands for Gay Straight Alliance." He pauses a moment, glancing off to the side. "Or Gender Sexuality Alliance, depending on who you ask. Basically a place where LGBT people can get together and hang out and be comfortable with each other. And sometimes people invite their straight friends along."

"So like an after school activity club for the gays," says Jaehwan, simplifying it as much as possible to get a grasp on it. Hakyeon rolls his eyes but nods.

"The gays and the lesbians and the bis and the genderqueer and everyone in between, yeah," he says. "The straight people who show up are usually either really good friends of most of us or people who just want to understand more. Sometimes we get a yaoi fangirl or two, but they don't last long once they realize none of the guys are going to be making out. The hardcore homophobes have tried to come in to preach at us, too, but Wonshik and Taekwoon are usually pretty quick to get them to leave."

He tries to imagine that: he doesn't know Taekwoon _that_ well, beyond what Hakyeon's told him and the straight-faced glares of acknowlegement he receives when they pass each other, but he tries to imagine Wonshik in that situation. Faced with someone who hates him purely for who he is -- Jaehwan doesn't know Wonshik that well either, but judging just by how passionate he is about his music, he must be tenfold when it comes to his own identity, especially so if he's willing to get a tattoo for it.

Unearthing his face from within his palms, Jaehwan's hand abruptly darts across the table to snatch Hakyeon's wrist in his grasp, a fire lit beneath his belly and in his eyes, "Take me!" Hakyeon looks wary, so he continues on. "I-- I want to learn. And not say dumb heterosexual shit like I'm sure I have been this whole time to you or Wonshik or anybody."

Hakyeon still looks hesitant, chewing at the inside of his cheek, "You... you're not going to try anything weird, right?"

"I just want to understand better, I promise," says Jaehwan. He offers his best smile, sitting up a little straighter and trying to make himself look as presentable as possible. He even salutes. "I'll be on my best behaviour."

"That's not saying much," mutters Hakyeon, but he relents with a little smile of his own. "There's a thing next Friday, a picnic in the quad around lunch, underneath that big tree. You don't have class, right?"

"Nope," says Jaehwan, picking up a scone for himself and nibbling at the edges. "I'll be there."

\---

Jaehwan shows up on Friday feeling confident.

He'd texted Wonshik here and there during the week after handing in his first assignment, not having an excuse to go to his studio again with the lack of music-driven homework he'd been given. All he had were readings to do, on subjects and with terms he really didn’t understand at all without constant googling. (Or using Wonshik as his own personal music theory-centric Google.)

He does some more googling too, reading up on what GSA is, trying to educate himself somewhat before he shows up and looks like a moron. Again. He’d never considered himself a particularly obtuse person, really, but it doesn’t take much surfing to find out how little he knows.

Jaehwan finds twitter accounts and hashtags he’s never heard of, specifically for and by LGBT people and filled with tweets from and pictures of beautiful people. He learns a bit more about nonbinary genders, which he honestly finds confusing at first, but begins to make more sense of the more he goes through. 

It’s enlightening. Going to class that morning, he looks at the people in his tutorial with a new eye. Some of these people might be gay. Maybe bi? Maybe trans? Maybe questioning? It’s an interesting thought. Jaehwan feels like he’s gained perspective, like he’s grown more worldly. He then realizes he might just be too full of himself.

He’d logically known gay people existed, of course -- he’d been casual acquaintances with Hakyeon since entering university. But somehow, even knowing someone, it hadn’t really sunk in that anyone could be queer. Any guy who he thought was effeminate was probably into guys, and guys who play sports were definitely straight. Girls with short hair and flannels were definitely lesbians, and those were the only lesbians who existed.

Looking back, he feels like an idiot, but he figures stepping out of his own sheltered box now rather than even later on is better than remaining in it. He’s simply a bit more aware, when he looks at two girls holding hands, that even if they’re both beat with makeup and with hair down past their shoulders, it’s still probably a gay thing.

He walks up to where the picnic is after class, visible by the plethora of multicoloured blankets scattered across the ground. There’s a few people sitting down, a few familiar heads turned away from him. He sees Hakyeon, he and Taekwoon being talked animatedly to by Wonshik. He actually spots a girl from his class this morning, who’s name he can’t quite remember, and beside her is…

“Heeyeon?” Jaehwan’s close enough to see her, now, her profile recognizable from anywhere. She turns to see him, face twisting into confusion.

“Jaehwan? Why are you here?” She asks, not answering the obvious question, the elephant in the room, why _she’s_ here. Jaehwan opens his mouth to ask it, closes it, bewildered. Yes, he’s come to the realization that anyone can be gay, but--- _Heeyeon_? The girl he’s known since second grade?

“I invited him to come,” butts in Hakyeon from one blanket over, raising his hand like he’s in an elementary school classroom. He’s got that same smile on as he had at the café, like he knew something Jaehwan didn’t. Only now does it make sense. “He wanted to understand us queers a bit better.”

“You... I--” Jaehwan is at a loss for words, squinting at Heeyeon like she’s an impostor. He’s known her for… forever? For years and years? She’d never mentioned being anything but straight? And cis? But she’s here? And Hakyeon seemingly included her in the collective of _us_ queers. He watches as she stares back at him, realization slowly dawning on her til her mouth drops open, disbelief written all over her face.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She almost screeches it, reaching out to swat at him. He manages to lift his leg out of the way just at the last second and makes a few squawky sounds of protest, skittering away like a cat.

“It’s not like you ever said anything!” He counters, defence admittedly weak, taking an extra step back to avoid getting hit in case she takes another swing. 

“I’ve never had a boyfriend! I talk about how hot girls are all the time!” Heeyeon presses her fingers to her temples, eyes wide as she stares down at the ground, looking as if she’s just been hit with the most stressful and shocking news of her life. 

“Oh, well,” he pauses, considers that, squints. Maybe Hakyeon’s right. Maybe straight people really don’t have gaydars. “I… thought you were pointing them out to me. Y’know, like, hey, look at that cute girl that walked by! Maybe she’s your type! I didn’t think-- I didn’t know _you_ thought they were cute!”

“You are a fucking moron,” she says, deadpan, but there’s the slightest hint of a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth that tells Jaehwan all he needs to know. She’s never been able to stay mad at him long, anyways. He returns the smile, sheepish.

“He’s just too self absorbed to notice anything about anyone else around him,” says Taekwoon as Jaehwan lowers himself to take a seat in the circle of people, much to his vocal objection and Hakyeon’s amusement. 

Eventually, the noise dies down. People start pulling their food out and a conversation starts; it’s nothing special, simple talk of homework and professors and jobs. For some reason, Jaehwan had expected-- well. He’d expected them to talk _about_ being queer, he supposes.

There’s some part of him, an itch deep in his chest he can’t scratch, that’s just so _curious_. Especially now, surrounded by people who are all nonconforming or at least supportive and involved in some way -- with _Heeyeon_ having been a lesbian this whole time, apparently -- he feels like he’s missed out on so much. He wants to know everything. 

On top of that, he can’t get his eyes off Wonshik. Somehow, that curiosity all leads back to him. 

It makes sense, Jaehwan guesses, as Wonshik had been the person to sort of light the match that started the fire of his sudden urge to know anything and everything gay. He watches, observes, sitting back to let other people talk for the most part. It’s quite out of character, for him, and sometimes he can’t help but to throw in his own two cents, his own story about a shitty prof or a good place for lunch, but somehow it’s still comfortable.

There’s a sense of belonging, here. A lack of judgement. A girl who’s been introduced to Jaehwan as Moonbyul gets to talking about her anxiety over how to come out to her family, not a hint of hesitation in her voice, and it’s clear she feels comfortable here. Jaehwan wonders, to himself, if she feels this comfortable anywhere else.

Wonshik’s clearly in his element, too. He keeps glancing away from the group and at people walking by -- men, always. He blatantly checks them out, only averting his eyes when he almost gets caught, cheeks pink. Somehow when he turns away, he always ends up catching Jaehwan watching _him_ , which seems to make his flush darken.

It’s wild. Heeyeon talks about the girl she’d hooked up with at a party last weekend, an event Jaehwan hadn’t even heard about, and how she hopes to meet her again tomorrow night because the sex was so good. Jaehwan almost feels like he’s having an out of body experience.

When everyone’s finished eating and they all gather up their blankets and start splitting off, Wonshik comes over to Jaehwan, hands in his pockets. “You alright?” His voice is soft, just loud enough for the two of them to hear. 

“I’m fine?” Jaehwan answers, blinking a few times. He knows he’d been quiet when the meeting (was that the right terminology? He has no idea) had begun, but as it had continued he had grown more comfortable with everyone, gotten louder, felt increasingly less weird listening to one of his best friends talk about eating someone out. (He might have actually learnt something, there.)

Wonshik shrugs, offering a smile. “Hakyeon likes to talk big shit about being the dad of the group, but. I’m the one who organizes most of the stuff. I like to check and make sure everyone’s okay. I wanted to make sure we didn’t scare you away… I like having you around. I mean-- everyone likes you. I can tell.”

“Oh.”

Their eyes lock, Wonshik’s gaze somewhat concerned, but kind and welcoming and earnest above all, that stupid little rainbow tattoo peeking over the top of the collar of his shirt. Jaehwan’s heart gives an ample _ka-thump_ against his ribcage, the rushing of blood loud in his ears and something light beginning to stir in his stomach, and he swallows.

Fuck. That can’t be good.

\---

He texts Seokjin the next day, after he spends way too much time thinking about the GSA, and about Wonshik checking out guys, and about Heeyeon not-so-secretly being gay this whole time, and about _Wonshik_.

> 2:17pm **Me** : sos  
>  2:17pm **Me** : sos please seokjin help me  
>  2:17pm **seokjinie** : it's not healthyyyyy y for me to feel this  
>  2:17pm **seokjinie** : Y-O-U ARE MAKIN THIS HARD  
>  2:17pm **seokjinie** : YOU GOT ME TOSSIN AND TURNING CANT SLEEP @ NIGHT  
>  2:17pm **Me** : SEOKJIN PLS IM SERIOUS  
>  2:17pm **Me** : this is an emergency  
>  2:17pm **Me** : code purple  
>  2:17pm **seokjinie** : are we not singing i thought thats what you wanted?  
>  2:18pm **seokjinie** : also what does purple mean again? did you shit yourself in bed again? im not cleaning your sheets this time you can use your own building's washing machine  
>  2:18pm **Me** : please stop talking immediately  
>  2:18pm **Me** : im having a CRISIS  
>  2:18pm **Me** : and i need u to distract me (๑♡3♡๑)  
>  2:19pm **Me** : pretty please \\(-ㅂ-)/ ♥ ♥ ♥  
>  2:19pm **seokjinie** : i mean we could go to karaoke im kinda in the mood for that now  
>  2:19pm **seokjinie** : wait no!!!!!  
>  2:19pm **seokjinie** : heeyeonie told me about a party shes going to tonight do you want to hit that up  
>  2:20pm **seokjinie** : also i mean do you want to talk about the crisis? thats always an option too yknow  
>  2:21pm **Me** : i appreciate the concern seokjinie but no matter how many times you try, getting shitfaced will always be a better coping strategy than trying to talk things out  
>  2:23pm **Me** : whos gona be at the party tho..................  
>  2:24pm **seokjinie** : uhh i think junghwan? some of heeyeons friends too  
>  2:28pm **Me** : you drive ♥  
>  2:29pm **seokjinie** : fine  
>  2:29pm **seokjinie** : pick you up later

So that's how he finds himself hours later, showered and cleaned up and dressed to go drink himself silly. Getting ready was a lengthy process, purposefully, Jaehwan stretching out every decision and action as long as he could in a deliberate attempt to keep his mind off of everything he'd been dwelling on the rest of the day.

Seokjin arrives with a text and Jaehwan takes the elevator down and out of his building to meet him outside, shivering in the cold of the night before he piles himself into the passenger seat, shutting the door behind him and immediately reaching into the back for the blanket Seokjin keeps there to wrap round himself.

"Do you ever dress appropriately for the weather?" Seokjin asks, dryly, putting his car into drive and going to pull away before he stops, pauses, and leans in close. "Are you-- do you have eyeliner on?"

Jaehwan reaches up as if to touch his eyelid, stopping an inch away and crinkling his nose, ears going pink. "No, well-- maybe!"

Seokjin snorts, shakes his head, a cheeky grin curling the corners of his mouth up. "You must really be hung up on a girl if you want to get laid that bad, bud."

Jaehwan hmphs in response, decides not to comment that what he's hung up on is the farthest thing from a girl, and belatedly pushes away the thought that pops up -- does he want to get laid? By who? _Bad thoughts_. Bad Jaehwan. 

They get there pretty quickly, Jaehwan fishing a mickey of fireball out of Seokjin's glovebox on the drive over to take a few swigs to pre-game. He cringes at the cinnamon taste that remains after, busting out of the car as quickly as he can afterwards to rush inside, craving anything else to get the aroma off his tongue.

The door to the house of the party is open so he steps right through, greeted by a decently sized amount of people. It isn't the most populated party he's been to -- there's room to wade through the circles of college kids talking and drinking and laughing without bumping into them too much, but there are still enough people to where he can see a few sitting outside on the patio for space, to where he can't identify everyone around. It clearly hasn’t been too long since it started, either, as the floor is mostly clear of empty bottles and cups and things haven’t gotten too messy yet.

He spots the kitchen and makes a beeline there after letting Seokjin know where he's going, eyeing the bowl of punch suspiciously for a few moments before he reluctantly pours himself a glass. It's? _Probably_ not poison? He sees someone nursing a cup at the dining room table, anyways, so he should be in the clear.

Maneuvering his way carefully back through the crowd, he scans through the sea of heads until a familiar one surfaces and makes his way over to the group of people sat on the couches in the living room. Heeyeon is there, with Moonbyul from yesterday on one side and someone Jaehwan's never seen before beside her (maybe the girl she was talking about yesterday?), Seokjin on the couch opposite them with Junghwan, and Sanghyuk, Hakyeon’s adopted freshie, on the floor next to the armchair Hakyeon and Taekwoon share, and...

"Holy shit," breathes Jaehwan, under his breath, heart giving a pathetic _thud_ as it drops into his stomach. 

Wonshik is there, too, his hair styled up and legs squeezed into a pair of pants that-- that should be fucking _illegal_ with how they make him look. He's got kohl lining his eyes, just smudged enough to where he looks a little messy, a little sleepy, and bloody _hot_. He's wearing a pair of glasses that clearly aren't prescription, wearing them too low on his nose for them to serve any function but make him look even sexier than he already does.

This is not the safe-thoughts-sanctuary Jaehwan had been seeking. Instead, his brain is venturing very close into the danger zone, towards the scary epiphany that he has been very avidly avoiding confronting, that he’s tried to avoid by coming to this party in the first place. 

He downs half his drink in one go in response to try and clear himself of the warm licks of not-arousal that coat the insides of his stomach and lower, _immediately_ regretting it as soon as he swallows for the second time and takes a breath, throat burning as he coughs.

"What the _fuck_ is in this shit," he gags, covering his mouth and staring at the pink liquid with a fear as if it's about to jump out of the cup and physically harm him. That draws the attention of the group away from whatever their conversation had been about and to him, the noise of their discussion unifying instead into a loud cheer of welcome.

"Jaehwanie! You made it!" Junghwan rises from the couch and spreads his arms, beaming, glowing pink. 

"What do you mean, I made it?" He tears his attention away from the pink slush of death and to his friend, greeting him with a half hearted, one armed hug to get him to sit back down. He can smell the alcohol even after Junghwan sits down.

"He's already halfway to being wasted," explains Heeyeon, leaning back in her seat and crossing one leg over the other. The eyes of the girl next to her follow the movement, lingering on her thighs, and Jaehwan can immediately sense the intention of her change in position. "His perception of time has gotten warped."

Junghwan flips her off before wobbling back and taking his seat again, leaning over to rest his weight against Seokjin and lay his head on his shoulder. "Meeean. Just because you see him all the time doesn't mean I'm not allowed to miss him."

"Hey now, there's enough of me to go around," cheeses Jaehwan, winking at the group as a collective and turning to give his butt a small, delightful shake. There's a loud groan from most of his friends (excluding Wonshik, who watches with an expression Jaehwan can't quite identify) and one from behind him.

"Do you ever stop being an annoyance?" Taekwoon asks, just barely audible over the sound of music and the constant chatter of people. Jaehwan isn't entirely sure that he means to be heard. He wouldn't doubt Taekwoon to insult him under his breath.

Hakyeon, from beside him, squints at Jaehwan, "I didn't know you were coming? I thought you said you weren't going to drink this month unless there was an emergency. After last time."

Ah, last time. Jaehwan shudders at the memory briefly, before offering a small shrug. "Emergencies happen. Who's down for shots?"

He's met with a chorus of agreement and beams, bribing Seokjin with cheap aegyo to go get the alcohol and taking his place on the couch. Unfortunately, this means he gets the full brunt of Junghwan's drunk cuddling. 

(More fortunately, it also means he's pressed thigh-to-thigh with Wonshik on his other side. He finishes his drink in record time.)

Seokjin returns with enough glasses for the lot of them and more than enough alcohol to go around, stoutly refusing to pour any for Jaehwan until he gets his seat back. Jaehwan, with his low tolerance, is already getting a little loose after his pre-gaming and the drink he's now finished, and is loathe to leave his spot so close to Wonshik, though he doesn't say it out loud.

"Finders fuckin' keepers!" He shouts instead, pouting and folding his arms over his chest like a child. "You left, and it's mine now!"

"I left to get _your_ alcohol, numbnuts," retorts Seokjin, rolling his eyes. "What a baby."

"You two are ridiculous," mutters Heeyeon from across the table on the other couch, eyes rolling.

"I'll just move," says Wonshik, getting up from his seat to instead sit on the floor beside the couch, stretching his long legs out in front of him and leaning back against the foot of the sofa. Jaehwan positively _does not_ whimper at the loss of contact. Nor does he notice the concerned look Hakyeon shoots him soon after.

Jaehwan shifts over too, letting Seokjin take the middle seat and subsequently, the weight of Junghwan again. Only then does Seokjin set down the bottles of liquor he's brought, beginning to pour into each shot glass on the table as Junghwan does his best to imitate magnetic octopus. "The usual?"

"What's the usual?" Wonshik asks from his place near Jaehwan's calf, looking a little uncomfortable. Jaehwan understands the feeling -- he knows he and his same-age-friends are a little overwhelming, sometimes, with how in-tune they often are. He resists the urge to run his fingers through Wonshik' hair as comfort. It’s not an easy urge to resist.

"One shot each, and then Never Have I Ever for the rest until someone taps out," he clarifies instead, giving Wonshik his most Winning Smile. He gets one in thanks back, something warm fizzling up in his chest even after he turns back to the group. Hakyeon is still staring at him strangely, but he refuses to acknowledge it.

"Sounds fine to me," says Taekwoon, from beneath where Hakyeon is half-sitting on him in the armchair they attempt to share. He pretends to look like he's inconvenienced and annoyed -- it doesn't work at all.

Wonshik and Moonbyul and the girl who very clearly wants to fuck Heeyeon all nod their own agreement. Everyone reaches for their own glass, Jaehwan taking a sniff of the clear liquid before wincing -- Seokjin'd poured him vodka -- and then they all toast, knocking back their shots with varying success. (Junghwan manages to spill half of his on the couch.)

Never Have I Ever goes... as well as it always does, when 92 line gets together.

It starts off civil enough; Wonshik, Taekwoon, and Moonbyul pick relatively harmless questions that are general enough to where they catch either a good portion of the group or none of them. Sanghyuk picks very specific victims, but he doesn’t reveal anything too embarrassing about them. Hakyeon intentionally singles out Taekwoon, which makes him pretend-mad for a few milliseconds before Hakyeon smiles like sunshine and he softens, begrudgingly taking his shot and pouring another after.

Then it reaches Heeyeon, and the true intentions of the game are revealed.

"Never have I ever stress cooked so badly I ran out of tupperware," she says, a knowing smirk pulling at her lips. The girl at her side shoots her a weird look, but Jaehwan and Junghwan immediately burst into laughter, much to the annoyance of Seokjin.

"Screw you," he says, before tossing back another shot, looking miffed. Jaehwan continues to giggle even long after, unable to help himself, receiving a death glare from his friend in response. 

The game devolves from there. Jaehwan and his friends know each other well enough to where they know the exact scenarios to propose to get them to drink -- Seokjin purposefully gets Jaehwan every single time. Heeyeon changes victims, and Junghwan oftentimes has to be reminded that he has to name things that he's never done, not try to make himself drink.

"Never have I ever shaken my ass so much I pulled a muscle in my hip," says Seokjin, smug look intact, and Jaehwan digs an elbow into his side before he tips his head back and takes his drink. His vision swims a little when he lowers his head again, blinking a few times to focus back in. Briefly, he tries to remember what number shot he's on, and fails. That can't be good.

Hakyeon clears his throat loudly, drawing the attention of everyone and nudging Taekwoon, who goes red and avoids everyone’s eyes as he takes a drink for himself.

"What." Wonshik speaks first, the question barely meeting the tonal requirements to even be a question. 

"I tried to teach him how to dance," explains Hakyeon, looking way too pleased with himself. "He got a little too into the twerking bits."

That startles a laugh out of most everyone, much to the severe embarrassment of Taekwoon. Teasingly, Moonbyul suggests he back out -- really, it's been long enough to where everyone has had enough to be at least a bit unsteady. This is the point where most sensible people would back out -- clearly, though, no one here is sensible enough to where they want to be the nerd who stops drinking first.

Jaehwan, especially, knows he should definitely stop here. He hasn't even stood up, yet, and he already feels like he's wobbling in place. There's a little voice in the back of his head, telling him that this is definitely the point where he should take a bow and simply ride the high of the comfortable intoxication he has going for him.

Unfortunately, that little voice is drowned out by Heeyeon voicing her boredom with their current game, suggesting they switch to Truth or Dare or Drink. She's looking a little glowy, pink in the cheeks and a smile subtly pulling at her mouth. The girl next to her has slowly shifted closer, her hand resting just above Heeyeon's knee on her leg. 

"Rules are simple," she iterates, glancing round at the newcomers to their group. Jaehwan wants to make a comment about how everyone knows how Truth or Dare works, but barely saves himself from holding his tongue when he sees Wonshik leaning forward a little in attention, the words wiped from his palate. "You pick truth or dare, we all come up with the best thing for you, and if you don't want to do either, you take three shots and you're out for the night. If you do it, you're free to take another truth or dare or sit out without your shots."

She zeroes in on Jaehwan, eyes narrowing, "You're first!"

"Why me!" He protests, voice a half-whine, half-slur. "It was about to be my turn for Never Have I Ever, I should be asking!"

"I have a dare," says Hakyeon, and he's got one of those indecipherable looks on his face. Jaehwan wants to smack it off of him -- he's been shooting them at Jaehwan all night. (Especially every time he and Wonshik interact, or he sneaks a look at Wonshik and happens to catch Hakyeon's eye afterwards.)

"Not you," says Jaehwan, immediately fearful of what Hakyeon's going to suggest. He'd rather take one of Junghwan's dares, which is-- it's saying a lot.

"No, I want to hear it," says Seokjin, leaning in with That Smile on his face, the one he only wears when he knows that Jaehwan is probably going to get fucked. Jaehwan hates that smile.

"I dare you to kiss Sanghyuk," says Hakyeon, sounding immensely proud of himself for coming up with the idea. This elicits a soft coo of amazement from the group of buzzed students, save for Jaehwan and Sanghyuk -- the former of which immediately goes pink and starts shaking his hands in front of him in denial. Sanghyuk also immediately flushes and turns from his spot on the ground to swat at Hakyeon, and then hits him again even harder as if fully realizing what's being suggested, ducking his head afterwards and covering his face in embarrassment. Poor freshman.

Jaehwan can't see Wonshik's reaction, what with all his flailing, but he doesn't think he hears him add on to the _ooh_ ing. Belatedly, he realizes Wonshik has shifted, his shoulder and arm pressed up against Jaehwan's leg from where he leans over a little. 

"Why," he eventually gasps out, reaching up to partially cover his face, peeking out through his pinky fingers. "Why!!! Why Sanghyuk, too, of all people?"

Heeyeon is cackling in unbridled glee as Hakyeon shrugs, replying, "Why not? He wants to kiss you. He's always telling me to ask you what kind of lip balm you use."

"Hakyeon!" Taekwoon shouts here, actually raises his voice, pointedly avoiding meeting Sanghyuk’s eyes where the younger is shooting him the most betrayed look to ever grace his pudgy freshman face, voice high and flustered. "I told you that in confidence! You’re supposed to be the trustworthy boyfriend!”

There's a silence.

"I _knew_ you two were dating!" Heeyeon yells, grin growing three sizes as she begins to clap in excitement. She turns to the girl next to her, "Didn't I fucking call it? I called it!" The girl nods, smiling faintly in clear amusement. Jaehwan doesn't miss how her hand moves up a little higher on Heeyeon's thigh.

He either... has to kiss Sanghyuk... or drink three shots. Three more shots and Jaehwan can already tell he's going to end the night in a bad way -- probably in front of a toilet, vomiting up his dinner. So it's a choice between that, or kissing a boy.

Unable to keep his logic ahead of his drunk brain, he has the errant wish that instead of Sanghyuk being the boy he's going to kiss, it's Wonshik instead. His eyes drift over to the TA in question, which Hakyeon does _not_ miss, his grin widening even farther. God. He's drunk as hell, too.

This ends here, he decides. This gay curiosity he's been avoiding all week ends now.

"You guys have a weird fuckin' relationship," mutters Jaehwan as he gets up on wobbly feet, resolve set. He's going to kiss a boy. This is it. He's going to do it.

He staggers over to Sanghyuk, where he shifts a little to make room in his lap for Jaehwan, looking a little fearful but a lot excited. There's wolf-whistling in response to him straddling Sanghyuk, to which he waves a hand dismissively, heart pounding in his chest.

It isn't like he doesn't know Sanghyuk's attractive in his own right -- sitting here, drunk in his lap and about to kiss him, Jaehwan can admit that he's hot. He doesn't really want to kiss him all that much, though.

He doesn't dare risk a glance back, but just the thought of Wonshik watching him right now makes him squirm a little. 

"Do it already!" Junghwan crows from behind him, and Jaehwan waits for Sanghyuk's little nod of consent before he takes Sanghyuk’s face between his hands goes for it.

Well.

Huh.

Kissing Sanghyuk isn't all that much different from kissing a girl. There's a little bit of stubble above Sanghyuk's lip, and underneath his jaw where Jaehwan’s fingers stray, yeah, but it's not all that unpleasant. There's no obvious moment where he remembers and confirms that he doesn't want to be kissing boys -- there's no clear negative, here. 

It's just... a kiss. 

It stirs the same feelings in him that any of his previous kissing has -- a swoop in his stomach, of that realization that _ah, I'm kissing someone_ , a pleasant buzz in his ears that closes in his tunnel vision to blur out everything around him. There's a little zip of arousal that comes when Sanghyuk nips at his lip, not all that gently. Jaehwan finds he kinds of likes it.

Somehow, he had been expecting an entirely different experience. Wasn't this -- didn't this mean something? That he has the same responses to both Sanghyuk, a _boy_ , and all his past female partners?

He's both too drunk and not drunk enough to dwell on that for too long, simply deciding to ignore every cliche homo-enlightenment thought that runs through his brain and concentrate on kissing Sanghyuk. 

Eventually, though, that too loses a bit of its lustre. His mind catches up with his body, and while _yes_ , his body would very much like to continue and see where this goes, he's also sitting in _Sanghyuk_ 's lap. Sanghyuk, who is practically the baby of their friend group. Sanghyuk, who he really is not all that attracted to at all, no matter how good of a kisser he seems to be. Sanghyuk, who Jaehwan really doesn't know all that well.

So, the catcalls of his group of friends catching up with him, he pulls away and opens his eyes again, licking his lips absently. Sanghyuk is staring at him, looking just as breathless as Jaehwan himself feels, a little satisfied smile pulling at his lips. 

"Okay," a voice comes from behind him, Sanghyuk's eyes sliding somewhere over Jaehwan's shoulder before Jaehwan himself can turn. A hand falls on his shoulder and none-too-gently removes him from Sanghyuk's lap, sending him stumbling back and into someone else. It's Hakyeon, who wrinkles his nose and reaches to grab Sanghyuk by the face, as if checking him over for any marks. Sanghyuk swats him away, looking annoyed by the babying and still flushed up to his ears. "That was a fun show, but please leave the freshman alone. He’s still innocent."

Jaehwan laughs, despite himself, mouth tingling. The world kind of swims every time he moves his head, but he manages to turn just enough to see who's supporting his weight and keeping him from falling over -- it's Wonshik, who seems to be stoutly refusing to meet his eyes.

"Who's next?" He asks, eventually gaining back enough motor control to stand on his own two feet, feeling on top of the world. After Wonshik sits down, he flops back onto the sofa again, stretching out comfortably, shameless.

Seokjin, apparently, is next -- any other time, Jaehwan would be jumping in to throw a dare at him to make him do something absolutely horrendous, but he finds himself fixated elsewhere.

Wonshik is back on the floor near his feet, not paying much attention to the game. His gaze is glued to the carpet, face not visible from where Jaehwan is, but the white in his knuckles from where he grips the shitty stained carpet beneath him _very_ visible. Jaehwan wonders why, briefly.

The curiosity he thought would disappear after kissing Sanghyuk hasn't disappeared at all, Jaehwan finds. Instead it's kind of... remained? And taken on a more solid form, like something he can hold. Something in his pants, maybe, pressing against the front of them. Even in the state he's in, he has the conscience to thank his sober self for wearing something oversized so he can pull it down to hide his clear, tangible curiosity.

Unsure of how much time has passed, somehow it becomes Heeyeon's turn. Or-- he thinks it is? He isn't sure. One second he's staring at the back of Wonshik's head, trying to figure out why he can't look away and why he's so turned on, and the next he's lifting his head and girl-he-doesn't-know is in Heeyeon's lap, and they're furiously making out.

"That's it!" Junghwan shouts and stands, covering either side of his face as if he's putting blinders on. "That is enough watching my friends kissing for one night for me! I'm going to find Sunwoo." And with that, he leaves, hands still framing his face, bumping into people he can’t see in his peripheral vision as he goes.

Seokjin doesn't take long to go running after him, abandoning Jaehwan without a second thought. Moonbyul gets up as well, looking uncomfortable to be on the same couch as Heeyeon and her friend, leaving to go find someone else with Sanghyuk toddling quick after her.

That leaves Hakyeon, Taekwoon, Wonshik, and Jaehwan himself -- there's a moment where they all look at each other, as if waiting for someone else to make a move. It's a standoff, where Taekwoon's eyes keep flickering to Hakyeon, tongue darting out to lick his lips, and Jaehwan finds himself glancing down at Wonshik's head every few seconds. 

Hakyeon's the first one to break, shrugging and turning to face Taekwoon completely from his place in his lap, shifting round entirely til he can press their faces together. Jaehwan looks away as soon as he takes Taekwoon's hands and guides them downwards, making a very displeased noise in the back of his throat. No thanks. Kissing Taekwoon is one thing, but watching Hakyeon feel him up? He'd rather... kiss Seokjin, maybe. Or not. That sounds bad, too.

Any images that may have arose detailing anything involving him and Seokjin are, thankfully, torn away as Wonshik gets up, stealing his attention. He stands (and _god_ are his legs long, and thin, and toned, and _gorgeous_ ) and slams back two of the shots still left on the table, before he turns to Jaehwan.

"Wanna dance?" He asks and nods out towards the throng of people, voice a little uneven. Jaehwan figures it has to be the alcohol that has him unable to look away from Wonshik's mouth as it moves. He finds himself nodding, taking the hand that's offered to him and standing, following Wonshik's lead.

They get to the makeshift dance floor, which is really just a group of people grinding on each other in the open space of the entranceway, and it's only once they're in the middle and can't escape that Jaehwan remembers that he really doesn't know how to dance that well. Oh well. Wonshik probably doesn't know how to either, right? 

Wrong. _Wrong_. It doesn't take very much of Jaehwan's enthusiastic, uncoordinated swaying for him to realize that while this may not be his element, it is _very_ much Wonshik's.

If he'd thought Wonshik was unbearably hot before, he's absolutely sweltering now. He's on fire, lighting up the shitty college living room excuse of a dance floor and owning it. This is Step Up, and Wonshik is Channing Tatum, except even hotter. His hips are moving in ways that Jaehwan didn't even know men could move? He doesn't even think he's seen a girl move like Wonshik is.

Weakly, he tries to imitate him, but even with how drunk he knows he is, he can't let go enough for it not to be stilted. Glancing up from where he's very clearly feeling himself, Wonshik smiles upon seeing Jaehwan, who feels himself flush up to the roots of his hair in embarrassment.

"Just don't think so much," says Wonshik, only barely audible over the bass of the music playing. He reaches and takes Jaehwan's hands to place them on his own hips, his arms then draping over Jaehwan's shoulders.

Jaehwan's head is spinning, heart pumping fast in his chest and blood hot in his veins. He hasn't felt this alive or attracted to someone in... well. He doesn't know if he can remember being this attracted to someone, ever? Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but.

With his grip on Wonshik as he rocks and moves, he manages to somewhat catch onto the beat and get into things. It isn't like he doesn't know how to move his ass -- he's just never tried to really do it in a way that wasn't joking. This, however, doing it seriously? It's definitely something he could get into.

He feels hot, he feels desired. Wonshik's attention is all on him, and he thinks he might feel other people's eyes on him as well, which only fuels his confidence. Any inhibitions he has fly away as he impulsively turns away from Wonshik and inches back and closer, trying to emulate the way that girls have danced on him before as he sinks down slightly, hands coming round behind him to rest against Wonshik's neck, trail down his chest.

It feels a little silly at first, but then Wonshik's hands find his hips and hold him so firm, he almost feels as if he might be bruised. It's an errant thought, one that's completely illogical. Still, though. He sort of finds himself wishing Wonshik _would_ bruise him. He wouldn't mind it.

Right now, though, he's entirely absorbed in the moment. Wonshik takes a step forward, the warmth of his body Right There, not touching Jaehwan but close enough to where it drives him a little crazy. His eyes close, head tipping back against Wonshik's shoulder as they practically grind, imitating the people around them, his stomach flipflopping in all the most pleasant ways as the alcohol takes hold of him and he finally lets go, entirely, just letting himself enjoy this.

It lasts... a few songs? Jaehwan isn't entirely sure. He's not paying much attention to the music, apart from when Wonshik begins to murmur the lyrics quietly, close to his ear, as if he's not even thinking about consciously doing it. It's, like everything else Wonshik does, very sexy.

Mouth so close to his ear, apparently Wonshik grows daring. His lips venture down further, til they press against Jaehwan's neck and he then begins to suck, gentle at first and then less so. His teeth tug at Jaehwan's skin, and Jaehwan absolutely _melts_ , little fireworks of pleasure popping off over the surface of his skin and toes curling in his shoes, breath coming a little quicker.

This is! Insane? Jaehwan tenses all over and lets his head fall to the side, pliant to what Wonshik wants to do, fingers winding into the shirt Wonshik wears and tugging, thankful the music is loud enough to where he can't hear the little breathy noises he knows that he's making.

Even with his current one-track mind, he eventually hears a commotion and opens his eyes, only to see Heeyeon and Seokjin at the edge of the crowd, phones out, very clearly filming him. He goes a dark red, flustered from head to toe, freezing, unsure what to do.

Thankfully(?), Wonshik seems to notice them around the same time, fingers flexing where he holds Jaehwan before he breaks away, not stepping too far away. His hands linger a moment or two, just until Jaehwan turns to face him, unstable where he stands. Wonshik looks as embarrassed as Jaehwan feels, unable to meet his eyes, breath coming in short bursts.

"That was fun," he says, voice sounding strained. Faintly, Jaehwan thinks that he looks like he's about to explode, and when Wonshik's eyes lift and he glances a little lower, towards Jaehwan's throat where his mouth had been, he squeaks. "I'm going to go find Moonbyul, ok? She's not really a good drinker." And with that, he leaves, tripping over himself as he goes and covering either of his cheeks as if to quell the flush there.

Jaehwan, stunned and very hard, wanders back over to his friends, wobbly with each step. Cliche as it is, his world has been... rocked. Completely, entirely flipped on its head. He can still feel the phantom hold of Wonshik's hands on him, of their hips so close to being pressed together yet still so far, of Wonshik's _fucking mouth_ on his _fucking neck_.

"I think I'm bi," is what he says, once he reaches Seokjin and Heeyeon. He sounds dazed even to his own ears, but saying it out loud? It feels like confirmation. Curiosity? Yeah fuckin' right.

Seokjin snorts, shaking his head with an amused smile. Heeyeon only laughs, pats him on the shoulder, grins, eyes flickering down, "You think so, bud? I think that hickey tells enough on its own."

Jaehwan squeaks and reaches up to clap a hand over where his neck still feels wet, much to the amusement of Seokjin who snorts, yet again, taking Jaehwan's wrist in his and pulling. "Let's get you home before you start jumping anyone else, you fiend."

\---

Waking up the next morning, he's greeted with a head full of cotton and a stomach that isn't quiet with how much it detests his choices from last night. His first thought is stumble out of his bed and to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water, chug it, and then pour another.

His second thought, lifting the glass up to drink from it... shit. He pauses in his drinking, squinting at the sink.

"I'm bi," he says out loud to his empty dorm room, voice scratchy with sleep. He tastes the words on his tongue, testing them out. They feel foreign, but not wrong. He repeats himself, a little firmer, "I'm bisexual."

Slowly lowering his head so as not to kick up his nausea, he rests his head in his hands and closes his eyes. In hindsight, really, he should have seen this coming. Musical theatre student? Check. A serious infatuation with a boy he thinks is attractive and has just met? Double check. Speaking of...

"Wonshik," groans Jaehwan, crumpling onto the floor like a drama protagonist (after putting his glass down so he doesn't spill), sprawling out everywhere and making a face. Immediately, he's flooded with a sea of images and feelings from last night -- of how hot Wonshik had looked, the feeling of his hands on his hips, his _mouth_ \--

Jaehwan trips over himself in his haste to get up and rush to the bathroom, fumbling and nearly doing a somersault in the process. Once he's there, and he's sure he isn't going to throw up from moving too quickly, he gets in front of the mirror and peels the collar of his shirt down, and-- _fuck_. 

It's still there. Splotchy, kind of purpley-red, and very, very prominent, is a hickey. The hickey that Wonshik had given him. Kim Wonshik, his TA, the guy who he pretty much grinded against last night.

 _The guy who awakened your attraction to men,_ his mind tacks on. That, too. 

He's a little breathless, poking and prodding and pinching at it and delighting in how good it feels, to be marked by this. Now, sober, he really has to face the severity of his attraction to Wonshik. It is... ridiculous? Ridiculously strong? He might die, under the weight of how much he wants to go out and find Wonshik and kiss him properly. Just collapse and suffocate.

Pink in the cheeks and warm all over, Jaehwan leaves the bathroom with one hand on his cheek and the other pressing fingers against his hickey, in search of something for a distraction. His dick is far too interested in the current topic for him to be able to handle.

He finds his phone abandoned on the counter, a few percent away from being dead, and makes another mad dash back into his room to plug it in. Once he’s there, and settled enough to not blow chunks everywhere, he scrolls through his messages.

> 2:09am **seokjinie** : jyani you were SO HAMMERED pls drink water if u see thsi  
>  2:09am **seokjinie** : guess i know why you wanted a distraction lol  
>  2:09am **seokjinie** : so much for being mr straightie  
>  9:13am **seokjinie** : text me when youre up heeyeon wants brunch
> 
> 1:55am **forehead queen** : JAEHWAN  
>  1:55am **forehead queen** : _video_00982.mp4_  
>  1:55am **forehead queen** : LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  
>  1:56am **forehead queen** : glad to see ur embracing the gay we all knew u had in u  
>  1:56am **forehead queen** : and wonshik too? damn boy GET IT  
>  1:57am **forehead queen** : i may be a big giant Lesbo but i do know a hot boy when i see one  
>  1:57am **forehead queen** : good choice
> 
> 8:00am **TA Wonshik** : Mass reminder that the next gsa meeting is tomorrow in building c room 336 at 3pm. Discussion time. Topic is gay rep in media. Hope to see you all there xo

Jaehwan is pretty sure that last one is a scheduled mass text, but seeing Wonshik’s name in his inbox makes butterflies go off in his stomach anyways. God, he’s soft. He changes Wonshik’s contact name to something a little more personal, before shooting a text off to Seokjin to confirm brunch.

\---

He manages to get Heeyeon to agree not to make a big deal out of his newly discovered sexuality at the next GSA meeting, after a lot of groveling and needling. It makes him a little less nervous to show up the next day, with a Very Carefully Manufactured Outfit. Not too fancy, not too casual, just-- just in between. 

Jaehwan is (intentionally) casually late, peeking in the door a full ten minutes past three and hurrying in when he notices everyone's already gathered in a circle. He very determinedly does his best not to notice Wonshik, zeroing in on Heeyeon as quickly as he can as she waves him over to the empty seat beside him. He definitely doesn't see the weighted, heavy look he's getting from his TA. Not at all.

He also definitely doesn't notice how good he looks, _like fucking always_ , with his stupid hair and stupid mouth and those stupid fake-glasses he's wearing and--- Jaehwan has stopped in the doorway for _far_ too long, checking Wonshik out through the corner of his eye. This is awkward, and more heads are turning his way to see who Heeyeon is furiously waving her arm at. 

Cheeks warm, Jaehwan kicks back into gear and struts into the room with all the false bravado he can muster, closing the door behind him as loud as he can. If he's going to make a big entrance, it's going to be the size of Seokjin's ego.

"This place is set up like an AA meeting out of the movies," is the drivel that spills from his mouth, entirely unintentionally. He presses on, ever shameless, dropping into the seat next to Heeyeon, who immediately snorts and starts to laugh.

"Nice of you to join us," says Hakyeon, looking unimpressed even as Heeyeon continues to giggle. His gaze flickers slightly down and the corner his mouth lifts, just a little, into something like a smirk. Jaehwan wonders if he practices it in the mirror. "Have a late night, Jaehwanie?"

"What are you implying?" Jaehwan retorts, about to ask Hakyeon where his _boyfriend_ is, before he pauses. _The hickey_. Flustered and immediately going red up to the tips of his ears, he claps a hand over top of it and bows his head to the floor, thoroughly embarrassed. Fucking Hakyeon. Heeyeon breaks into hard laughter again beside him, not pausing even when he turns to kick her in the calf.

"Can we get back to what we were doing?" Wonshik’s voice fills the silence after it stretches on for a little too long, sounding tired. Jaehwan can't bring himself to look up at him, and keeps his eyes trained on his knees even after he drops his hands, trapping them meekly between his thighs.

The meeting is interesting. Jaehwan's seen the posts online, the angry tweets about representation in media, mainly whitewashing, but he's never thought about it in terms to sexuality. Never thought about how casting someone who is born as and identifies as the same gender isn't the same as casting an actual trans person.

He doesn't add much. He's both uneducated on the subject and trying much too hard not to think about the mark on his neck and the fact that the person who put it there is across the circle from him -- it's a delicate balancing act where he has to try not to appear disinterested but also not specifically _too_ interested in one person. He can tell Heeyeon has picked up on it, as she keeps elbowing him every time Wonshik speaks and isn't looking their way.

Eventually, someone announces they have to go to their next class and gets up to go. That prompts Hakyeon to look at the time, wince, and inform everyone their time in the empty classroom is almost over, anyways.

Everyone starts to disperse, Heeyeon flouncing out quicker than Jaehwan can keep up with. He flicks her back off as she goes, not even taking a few steps out of his seat before he hears behind him, "Hey, Jaehwan?"

God, shit. Damnit. Fuck. It's Wonshik. The deep lilt of his voice, sounding so careful, does things to Jaehwan's heart that he doesn't want to admit. He turns, puts on the least shy smile he can conjure up, and walks over. "Yeah, what’s good?" _What’s good_? Fucking loser. Who says that?

"Uh." Wonshik's hands fidget in front of him, then behind him, til he stuffs them in his pockets, looking small. Jaehwan doesn't know how he manages to do it, but he manages not to squeal. "You alright? You seemed... off."

Christ, of course he'd been obvious. Who isn't going to notice being avoided so religiously for a half hour straight? Isn't Jaehwan supposed to be the older one, here? Isn't he supposed to have his shit together? Clearly not.

"This doesn't have to be as awkward as it is," says Wonshik, with a little laugh. He's smiling, and Jaehwan's heart gives a pathetic excited thump in response. "I'm your TA. And your tutor, pretty much. It's just... it's just a bit of dumb fun, right?"

Ugh, god. Jaehwan's heart replies to that too, with a deep, sad little ping that he feels across his whole chest. Just dumb fun, yeah, right. Just dumb fun, when Jaehwan wants to fit himself inside the dumb sweater Wonshik's wearing while he's still wearing it and just... live there. Forever, in a best case scenario.

"Yeah," he manages to answer within an appropriate time, trying to play off the sad acrobatics his heart and stomach are doing. He smiles, and the worried lines between Wonshik's brows seem to smooth out. "Just dumb fun."

\---

"Just dumb fun!"

Jaehwan sprawls over Junghwan’s roommate's bed, the top half of his body hanging partly off the edge. Even upside down, he can tell Junghwan isn't impressed from his perch atop his own bed on the other side of the room. He makes an agitated noise, kicking his feet, " _Just dumb fun_!!!"

"Can't you just tell him you want to suck his dick and get on with it, or something?" Junghwan finally says, nose crinkled. He leans back onto the support of his own hands, crossing his legs beneath him. "You never had any problems going after girls before this whole bi thing."

"I've had experience being rejected by girls, though." Jaehwan twists til he's lying on his stomach, wriggling back til he can fold his arms across the mattress and rest his chin atop them, pouting. "I don't know how to go about liking a guy. What if I'm doing it all wrong? What if he gets creeped out and thinks I'm just trying to experiment?"

"You better put Jinyoung's sheets back on properly before you leave," says Junghwan, nodding to where Jaehwan's gathered them up in the corner of the bed from his tossing and turning. "Also, didn't he technically already reject you? You're the one who keeps reminding me he said it was just dumb fun."

Jaehwan buries his face in the mattress pad, then thinks better of it and just covers his face, whining, "You're right. Why are you right? Fuck."

"You really like him, huh?" Junghwan sounds thoughtful, and when Jaehwan looks up he's looking down with something that almost resembles pity.

Scowling -- he's not here to be felt sorry for -- Jaehwan does the most rude gesture he can think of, only to be tackled to the bed and tickled til he's laughing freely and doesn't feel quite so bad anymore. Junghwan's always been good that way.

Later, when they've tidied up Jinyoung's side of the room again and got his things in order and have gathered to watch a movie together, crowded round Junghwan's ancient laptop trying to make sense of the low quality pixels, Junghwan elbows him gently. Jaehwan turns, half his attention still on the movie.

"Even if he doesn't like you the way you like him, Jaehwanie, that doesn't mean no guy is ever going to like you," says Junghwan, quiet, like he's telling a secret. He's smiling, genuine. "You're a really cool guy. Straight or gay or somewhere in between, or whatever. If Wonshik can't see that, that's his problem. You'll find someone else who can appreciate you."

Jaehwan warms from the inside out, eyes closing for a moment as he absorbs what Junghwan's said. He's quiet a few moments before he speaks, more vulnerable than he ever likes to be, the movie forgotten as he reopens his eyes and zeroes in on his friend, "But I _want_ him to like me, Junghwanie. A lot. He's really cool, and kind, and patient with me, and I really like spending time with him."

Junghwan sighs, shifting til he can sit on his feet and rise up a few inches, tucking Jaehwan under his arm once he has the height to be able to. "Oh, Jaehwanie."

\---

Jaehwan stares at the blinking cursor in his searchbar, as if willing it to type out and search for what he wants without him actually having to do it. Maybe if he doesn't actually use his own hands to type the words, or his own keyboard, it won't be real.

If he spontaneously dies in the next hour, and the words "gay porn" are in his search history when his mom inevitably goes through it, he thinks he might just die a second time of mortification. Either that, or she'd go to the lengths of resurrecting him just to beat his ass for looking at naughty things online.

Still, despite his wariness, his curiosity outweighs it tenfold. He's gotten off enough times to just the thought of Wonshik's mouth on his neck, Wonshik's hands on his hips, his breath on his skin -- there's only so much his imagination can supply. He's a fan of vivid images, something tangible. His knowledge of how things would go between him and another guy get a little fuzzy after the clothes come off. It's not good enough.

So, this is where he's ended up, face to face with his laptop screen. Jaehwan takes a deep breath, frowns, and very quickly types his query in and hits the enter key. He accidentally typos and spells _gay born_ instead, but Google is forgiving and autocorrects for him. 

There are... a lot of results. "What the hell am I supposed to pick," mumbles Jaehwan, scrolling down a little and then back up. He clicks on the first link -- pornhub, a familiar friend -- and is instantly greeted with a lot of skin, a lot of oily, buff men folding either equally buff or stick thin boys over in positions that look extremely uncomfortable for everyone involved.

He clicks on one of the videos with the two buff men, and it jumps almost immediately to the action. They don't so much as kiss as they do slobber all over each other, and then the less buff one gets his face pressed into the mattress as he's rammed from behind, and-- really, Jaehwan doesn't think he's entirely against the idea, but it's a little much for his virginal gay baby brain to handle.

Flushing to the roots of his hair, Jaehwan goes back and scrolls until he finds something a little less... in-your-face. Something more appealing. So far, he isn't feeling anything beyond regret for looking this up.

The video starts, trying to establish a plot -- it's all in a language Jaehwan doesn't understand, so it doesn't mean anything to him. He tries to put himself in the position of either of the men, here -- one of them is clearly meant to be the... the girl, maybe? The feminine one? He's wearing makeup, and he's thinner, and his clothes are loose and almost see-through. The quality is grainy, but Jaehwan thinks he might be able to see his nipples through his shirt. 

The other guy is already shirtless, for one reason or another. He's about the same size, if not a bit more imposing physically. He also has a Presence, with a capital P, not taking up necessarily more space then thin boy, but moving and talking with a confidence that Jaehwan's instantly drawn in by. 

They end up on a couch, thin boy laying down and his legs fallen open, and Presence boy hovering over him from between them, pinning him down by the wrists. The camera gets a little closer, to where Jaehwan can see the smirk on Presence boy's face before they start to kiss.

It's much more stomachable than the last video. There's a sense of intimacy, of sensuality. Thin boy keeps letting out these soft, simpery noises between kisses, chasing Presence boy's mouth when he tries to pull away and visibly pressing up against the weight keeping him held down. It's not that much different than the noises the girls make in his usual porn, but still, it's... different, somehow.

The camera is focused on thin boy, Jaehwan can tell, yet he keeps finding himself looking at the edge of the frame, where Presence boy is. Even without his face on screen, just by his hands, by his weight, Jaehwan can feel his aura and control over the situation. It's heady.

At some point, Jaehwan had unraveled himself from the ball he'd been curled into before starting the video. Shyly, almost, he reaches down to dig the heel of his hand against the front of his pants, letting out a slow breath. This is weird. Not bad weird, not good weird, just weird. Unknown territory.

Things shift again, and Presence boy starts to roll his hips down against thin boy's. They're still clothed -- it looks a bit uncomfortable. But thin boy is flushed down his neck, and Presence boy has started to huff a little, his mouth finding thin boy's neck, and _fuck_. It's hot. Oh god, it's hot.

Jaehwan can't rustle himself out of his sweats fast enough, jostling his laptop in his haste. He inches his briefs down just a little, fingertips just slipping underneath the elastic. It takes a bit of positioning. but he manages to lie back a little and still see the screen. He presses his fingertips down against his pelvis, teeth sinking into his bottom lip.

Presence boy is in focus now, undressing thin boy from top to bottom, dropping his mouth over the skin that he exposes. Jaehwan slides the hand not in his underwear up and beneath his shirt, brushing over his own chest with light touches, as if trying to simulate the feeling. Belatedly, he realizes that he's trying to put himself in the position of the thinner boy. He’s not sure how to feel about that development.

At about the same time, his brain makes the connection of Wonshik being Presence boy, and it's like a switch Jaehwan hadn't even known existed within him has been turned on. His hand slides down the rest of the way to wrap around himself, pulling his dick out from the confines of his briefs.

Smearing the precum leaking from the tip down the sides, he slowly starts to pump -- teasing himself, at first. Presence boy is kissing at thin boy's hips, his thighs, everywhere but his dick, much to thin boy's audible protest as he tries to reach to pull Presence boy down. Presence boy gives him a little smack to the side, and he immediately bows and brings his hands back to his sides. Jaehwan, caught in a fantasy of himself and Wonshik, actually jerks at the sound of the slap of skin on skin, squeezing round himself and whimpering.

He, embarrassingly enough, is really into the idea of Wonshik... maybe manhandling him? A little? He doesn't know how realistic it is, has no idea what Wonshik would be like in bed, but... he watches, as Presence boy bows down between thin boy's legs, now pinning him down by the hips, and he _wants_.

"Oh, god," moans Jaehwan, squirming and looking away, cheeks aflame.

Presence boy's-- his fucking _tongue_ is on thin boy's _asshole_ , like there's nothing weird about it. Jaehwan's eaten girls out before, seen and felt how they reacted, and thin boy's response is no different, his voice high and his body writhing, hands wound in Presence boy's hair as he tries to pull him closer. Somehow though, this makes Jaehwan’s breath come short, and not because he's thinking about someone reacting that way beneath him.

He slams his laptop shut, unbearably hard and not sure if he can watch anymore without losing it, and fucks into the tunnel of his fist, quick, rough with his own touch, nails dragging across his own body. It's not long before he cums, Wonshik's name on his lips, images of Wonshik and him replacing that of the actors he'd just watched slowly fading away.

A little dazed, maybe not yet satisfied, Jaehwan cleans himself up before hesitantly opening his laptop again, pausing the video before it begins to play again and opening another tab.

He makes another search -- this time, some actual research. He clicks on the first article he sees -- 10 Simple Tips For First Time Bottoms.

\---

Things between Wonshik and him go back to normal, after the clarification of their _dumb fun_. At least as normal as they can be, when they both try to act like they hadn't grinded and Jaehwan specifically pretends like he isn't jerking off to the thought of Wonshik's body against (and inside of) his on the regular. 

Wonshik sits near him in class, whispering explanations of the terms Jaehwan doesn't get and peeking over at his notes ever so often to reach down and jot down his own additions. He always lingers after class til Jaehwan works up the courage, approaches him, and he always smiles like sunshine and invites him to his studio to work on the assignment together.

Sometimes, Jaehwan manages to drag Wonshik away from his beloved, often-smelly hole of a workplace, and somewhere less cramped. His dorm, sometimes. Wonshik's dorm, other times, which is just as badly lit as his studio, much to Jaehwan's distaste. Lunch, time and time again, at cafés and restaurants that he finds on google and sends Wonshik through text at the early hours of the morning when he's up memorizing lines and finishing his work.

They're friends. It's pretty great. He enjoys it.

What he would enjoy _more_ , though, was if it didn't feel like they were dating without all the good bits. They text pretty regularly, spend a decent amount of time together, show up to GSA events together after class, and sometimes Wonshik lets Jaehwan lean against him in a way that is Most Certainly Not Platonic. But Jaehwan wants _more_.

At the end of their latest meeting, Wonshik has to run quick for a presentation, but pauses before he gets out the door to turn and wave at Jaehwan. Jaehwan, the smitten fool, blows him an exaggerated kiss and holds his chest to quell the fluttering there when Wonshik laughs fondly in response, head shaking as he leaves.

"Jesus." Jaehwan turns to the voice behind him -- Heeyeon, looking constipated. "Have you sealed the deal yet?"

Jaehwan hurries to clap a hand over her mouth, hissing, "Be _quiet_ ," and furtively glancing around to make sure no one else has heard. He's confided in his friends of his big giant stupid crush, but he still hasn't managed to properly come out to the group yet. He isn't sure when to do it -- it seems like there's something important happening every day, and he doesn't want to take anything away from anyone else. He's come to like them all, quite a bit.

 _Still_ , that doesn't mean Heeyeon needs to _talk out loud_ about his romantic failures in front of everyone else.

The girl in question rolls her eyes, flicking at Jaehwan's wrist a few times until she grows fed up and takes his hand off her mouth herself, huffing. "You act like we all can't see the heart eyes you two are constantly making at each other, dumbass."

"Shut up," says Jaehwan, waving his hands and trying desperately to get her to _stop talking immediately_. His last-ditch effort is to grab her by the shoulders, spin her round, and steer her out of the room and far enough away to where he’s sure enough that no one they know is going to be able to hear.

Only then does he release her, much to her disdain as she turns back round to face him, arms crossed over her chest and brows raised in disbelief. “Really, Jaehwan? Everyone _knows_.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it so openly,” says Jaehwan, mouth twisted up. His stomach feels much the same way -- turned into knots, writhing round nervously and tangling further.

Something about the way he’s spoken must get to Heeyeon, because her expression immediately seems to soften, lips turning up just slightly and hands falling back down to her sides. “You really really like him, huh?”

Jaehwan huffs, flops his hands up and down in exasperation, “Why do none of you seem to believe me when I say I like people? Yes, I _really like him_. I like like him. I want to hold his hand, and make goo-goo eyes at him, and listen to him snore, and… and kiss him, and shit.”

Heeyeon’s smile grows into a grin, excited, and she grabs the sleeve of his jacket, bouncing on the balls of her feet. She’s silent. For too long. Still bouncing, waiting for him to say something. Jaehwan can tell she’s holding something back, but holds out as long as he can, petty, til eventually he relents, “What?”

“You just! You’re so fixated! It’s cute,” she says, voice going up and down with her enthusiasm. Despite his resolve to remain grumpy, Jaehwan can’t help but find himself smiling along with her. “I mean, I’m not going to speak for Seokjinie and Junghwan, but-- we’ve seen you get with a lot of girls, Jaehwanie. You’ve said you liked all of them, but…”

“But not seriously,” he fills in, when she doesn’t continue. Heeyeon nods, quick.

“Not for a while, at least. Not that it’s my place to tell you what you’re feeling, or anything, but it’s, uh. It’s kinda obvious you’re pining pretty hard here, bud,” she says. “You’re not really a piney kinda guy. It’s amusing to watch. And cute. And it’s for such a good guy! You have such good taste! He’s probably one of the only people on campus that I’d say even remotely deserves you.”

“Thanks, Heeyeon.”

“So,” she says, moving right along and clapping her hands together. “Seokjin’s place at like… five? Sound good?”

Jaehwan feels like he has whiplash. “What? Why are we going to Seokjin’s place? Weren’t you just getting sappy at me?”

She waves a hand at him, dismissive, beaming. “We have to plan the strategy of how you’re going to snag him, don’t we? It’s about time. You’ve been complaining long enough.”

\---

“This is fucking stupid.” 

Jaehwan stands in front of the mirror, squinting at the person standing there as if trying to pick out which parts are him. He’s unrecognizable to himself -- not in a bad way, really, but in a Way.

Where he usually tries to swathe himself in clothes that will swamp his frame with how large they are, Heeyeon has fit him in both her own and Seokjin’s clothes -- which fit their owners properly, but hug Jaehwan’s assets in ways he’s never wanted clothes to. It isn’t that he looks bad, but… he definitely isn’t used to this. Though he might be more avid to wear crop tops often after this.

“You look good,” admits Junghwan from his perch on Seokjin’s desk, legs folded up and shoes scuffing the plastic surface despite all of Seokjin’s protests not to dirty anything. “I’d fuck you.”

“You’re gay?” Seokjin says, momentarily distracted. Junghwan only shrugs, and Seokjin shakes his head, mumbling, “I guess I’m next to have my spontaneous sexual awakening, jesus.”

“Found it!” Heeyeon practically yells as she finally lifts her head from the makeup bag she’d been digging through for the last few minutes, holding up an eyeshadow palette like it’s the Master Sword, complete with her own spoken soundtrack. 

“This isn’t going to work,” says Jaehwan, though his complaints fall on deaf ears as Heeyeon grabs his hand to pull him down to sit on the floor in front of her. He, obedient to let her do what she wishes, lets her pull and push him this way and that as she applies whatever makeup she’s using to his face, only slightly fearful of what the result will be. He’s a little uncomfortable, with how tight the jeans he’s in are, but doesn’t complain.

“Don’t give him stage makeup,” says Seokjin, scolding. A panicky drumbeat builds in Jaehwan’s chest in place of his heart.

“Heeyeon, it’s a _party_ ,” says Jaehwan. He has immediate flashes of how embarrassing it would be to pull up looking as garish as he’s sure she’s making him, looking like he’s ready to step on stage under harsh lights but looking absolutely _ridiculous_ in the low lighting of someone’s apartment.

“It’s not stage makeup,” argues Heeyeon, reaching back blindly to swat at Seokjin. She doesn’t make contact, and goes back to patting Jaehwan’s face repeatedly. “Let me finish.”

And let her finish, they do, Seokjin and Junghwan talking amongst themselves during the process. Heeyeon chimes in ever so often, and Jaehwan itches to talk too -- anything to get his mind over what the rest of the night entails -- but she smacks him every time he moves, so he thinks better of it.

Eventually, _finally_ , she leans back, kissing the tips of her fingers like a chef. “Ta-da! My masterpiece!”

Seokjin and Junghwan abandon their conversation immediately to crowd around Jaehwan, keeping him from turning towards the mirror til they get a good look at him, much to his distaste. It’s _his_ face.

“Shit,” says Seokjin. Junghwan whistles low. It tells Jaehwan nothing.

“Is it bad?” He says, wriggling out of their grasp til he can spin and face the mirror, nervous as to what’s going to be there.

Oh.

Well.

“Just style your hair up the way you did for Cinderella in high school and you’re _set_ ,” Heeyeon is saying behind him, and Jaehwan can hear how smug she is. “Nobody can resist this. Poor Wonshikie won’t know what hit him.”

Somehow, Jaehwan is inclined to agree. It isn’t like he doesn’t think he was attractive before, but… somehow, with the way she’s done his eyeliner, his eyeshadow, subtle enough but just enough to hood his eyes into something sultry -- he doesn’t know if he’s ever been attracted to himself before, but he is now.

“This is prime selfie opportunity,” he finds his mouth saying, hands reaching immediately for his phone. He’s overcome with a familiar need to be as vain as possible.

“Not the time!” Junghwan bounces over to slap the phone out of Jaehwan’s hand, looking more serious and determined than Jaehwan thinks he’s ever seen him. “This is only phase one of Operation: Get Jaehwan The Boy. It’s time to move on to phase two.”

“But…” Jaehwan looks down at his phone on the ground, forlorn. The _instagram opportunities_. He can already see his feed now… full of great pictures... of himself…

“You can take them on the way to the party,” says Seokjin, digging through his drawers til he fishes out a 2-6 of tequila, giving it a little shake and grinning even as everyone else winces. “Phase two first.”

“I’m not showing up trashed,” clarifies Jaehwan before he takes the first shot poured for him, knocking it back and coughing at the burn that lingers. “At least let me make a good impression on him tonight before I ruin it by being plastered.”

Phase two is enough to get Jaehwan tipsy enough to where he’s easily distracted -- which is fortunate, as he spends the entire car ride over taking enough pictures of videos of himself to satisfy the vain part of himself. _Un_ fortunately, though, as soon as he’s done with that, there’s nothing left to divert his attention away from Operation: Get Jaehwan The Boy.

Is he really going to make a fool of himself in front of Wonshik? This is a terrible idea. Suddenly, Jaehwan wants to turn the car around himself and go back home, continue pining in silence til he dies. It sounds much better. More realistic than him actually snagging Wonshik’s affections tonight, at least.

“We’re here!” Seokjin, the designated driver, pulls up to the party right as Jaehwan is about to ask if they can preemptively cancel the plan because _fuck_ , he’s nervous. 

Junghwan must be able to sense his anxiousness somehow, leaning over the empty middle seat in the back to nudge against Jaehwan, smile reassuringly. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine, yeah? You’ll still have all of us, regardless of what the results of tonight are.”

Jaehwan takes a deep breath, _in_ , _out_ , and nods. “Yeah,” he croaks, then clears his throat and repeats it, more confident. “Yeah.”

“You’re a big, beautiful, bi bitch, and you’re gonna, uh…” Seokjin pauses, and looks to Heeyeon in the passenger seat for help.

“You’re gonna bag that boy and bang like bunnies!” she supplies without missing a beat. They high-five and Junghwan snorts. Jaehwan both wants to die and is overcome with love for his friends in the same moment.

They do a little huddle outside Seokjin’s beaten-down car, Junghwan leading them through a peppy cheer that falls apart almost immediately and ends with them laughing and falling over each other to get out of their square-shaped huddle, Jaehwan’s heart a lot lighter than it could’ve been otherwise. 

Yes, he’s going to possibly confess to the first boy he’s ever liked romantically tonight, and yes, he’ll essentially be coming out in the process, and _yes_ , it’s probably one of the most nerve-wracking things he’s had to do in a long time, but his friends will be with him, so it doesn’t seem all that bad.

Phase three is entering the party with a bang. The _bang_ is Jaehwan swinging open the door _way_ too fast, and it slamming into the doorstop so loud it’s audible even over the music that thumps through the space. A few heads turn their way, but most look away after finding not much of interest.

One head, though, stays focused on them. Wonshik’s beautiful, beautiful head, with his gorgeous face and banging body attached. He’s sprawled over an armchair, looking… well, as good as always. Jaehwan wants to climb him like a tree. It takes a lot of willpower not to, especially with the alcohol loosening his decisions.

They barely make it halfway over to where Wonshik and everyone else is sitting before he scrambles to get up and meet them halfway, nearly spilling his drink all over himself in the process, much to the tittering amusement of Heeyeon. She gives him a pat on the shoulder and a whisper of encouragement before she continues on to sit in her girlfriend (who Jaehwan has learned is named Hyojin)'s lap, Seokjin and Junghwan taking up the space Wonshik had left.

By the point that they've all left, Wonshik's managed to put his drink down without spilling it on himself and he's in front of Jaehwan, looking a little out of breath. It makes Jaehwan a little nervous. It also makes him a little horny. He has flashbacks to the boy in the porno, Presence boy, and the way he’d looked like he was undressing thin boy with his eyes. 

"Hey," says Jaehwan, after it's been a little longer than normal, and all Wonshik's done is stare at him.

"You, uh." Wonshik, ever eloquent, gestures first down at Jaehwan's outfit and then up at his face. "Your. You. You're wearing makeup?"

Jaehwan reaches up to touch his cheek, a little self conscious before he shakes it off and smiles, nodding. Confidence is attractive, right? "Yeah, Heeyeon did it. Does it look good?"

Wonshik nods dumbly, looking small and dumbfounded. Jaehwan feels... powerful. Like he could crush something. Instead, he only gets all soft on the inside, crushing harder _on_ Wonshik instead of crushing him. Traitorous heart, keeping him from the Marina  & The Diamonds Heartbreaker™ he's destined to be.

Phase four is supposed to be... smooth seduction, as Seokjin put it. Heeyeon and Junghwan were a little less sophisticated with their descriptions, but with how Wonshik seems to almost be drooling over him now, Jaehwan feels much more confident in his ability to pull it off. He's a bad bitch. He's got this.

He curls a hand over Wonshik's shoulder, wishing he had the manicure to go with the Baddie Persona he's trying to put on, tilting his head to the side in the way he knows Wonshik finds endearing. "Wanna get a drink?"

"Cute," mumbles Wonshik, right on cue, before he smiles and nods, reaching for his cup and downing whatever had been left in it in a few gulps. Jaehwan does his best not to find it hot. (Fails.) They move into the kitchen, Wonshik's hand somehow finding a way onto the small of Jaehwan's back in the process, where his skin shows above the waist of his jeans and below the hem of his cropped shirt. It's heavenly. Jaehwan could cream to this alone.

Moonbyul's in there, pouring drinks already. Wonshik says hi first and she returns the greeting. As she talks, she's somehow managed to fill two cups, one for each of them, handing one over and waving off Wonshik's protests. 

"Half of the stuff here is shit they got from the, like... liquor dollar store," she says. "This is about the only good stuff around here. I'm trying to hoard it so everyone I know gets some first before it runs out."

"Oh," says Wonshik, looking a little worried still but shrugging, the creases on his forehead mostly smoothing out. "If you say so."

Wonshik, his hand having not left Jaehwan, goes to lead them out of the room, but not before Moonbyul catches his eye and winks in the most exaggerated way Jaehwan thinks he's ever seen. It puts the fear right back in him. Either she's imitating him in an attempt to get closer to him, is implying something about him and Wonshik, or she _knows_.

Taking a sip of his drink when they get close, the answer is revealed pretty quickly. The first sip goes down terribly, burning the whole way, and Jaehwan's pretty sure he makes the ugliest expression that's ever been on his face. Not even the makeup could save it.

"What the fuck is this?" He says, smacking his mouth rather unappealingly to try and get the taste out of his mouth. Wonshik takes a swig of his own and has much of the same reaction -- clearly, Moonbyul is trying to get them plastered. This is definitely Heeyeon's work.

"Tastes like a Long Island without the iced tea part," says Wonshik, looking haggard. It's pretty unattractive. Jaehwan still wants to kiss him, though, so that doesn't mean much. 

"Might as well drink as much as you can and then add mix afterwards so you don't waste anything," chimes in Seokjin from where he is on the floor. He looks _way_ too smug. Jaehwan never anticipated this betrayal, and when Wonshik isn't looking he pulls up the most anguished, torn expression he can. It only makes Seokjin snort very unsubtly into his own properly mixed drink.

"I guess so," says Wonshik, looking down into his cup miserably. Jaehwan is about ready to call his whole stupid plan off, but Wonshik looks back at him, and then back at his drink, and knocks back a good quarter of it in one go. Well. 

So they sit, Jaehwan at the edge of the couch and Wonshik in the space beside him, pressed thigh to thigh. Shoulder to shoulder, too, the tipsier Wonshik gets and the more he leans over into Jaehwan's space. They're somewhat involved in the conversation, chiming in when appropriate, but there's a larger task at hand. 

Jaehwan really does _try_ his best to be the sexy, unattainable minx Heeyeon had told him would drive Wonshik crazy. He lets his head loll back to show his throat, licks and bites his lips til he knows they're almost certainly red, makes little noises that are just bordering on overtly-sexual, like the ones in the porn he spent hours... ‘studying’, that he knows are a little over the top. Still, nothing happens.

He _knows_ Wonshik is looking at him -- he looks over at his TA and he's just... staring, unabashedly, sometimes not even bothering to look away. It's infuriating. All Wonshik does is smile, reach up to touch the back of his neck, and murmur half to himself, "Cute."

Jaehwan isn't trying to be cute!!! He's barely dressed, almost moaning every time he shifts in his seat, and Wonshik... thinks he's cute. He can tell he's starting to draw the attention of the people around them who aren't in on the Operation when they begin to give him weird looks, and he's made no progress in his path to seduction.

It's time for phase four point five, the last ditch effort to get to phase five. (The sex part, and then phase six, the part where they both confess and have even more sex. It works in the movies?)

"Do you want to go dance?" Jaehwan leans over and asks, voice low and right next to Wonshik's ear. He's pretty proud at how even his voice is, how sultry, especially when he's getting to be as woozy as he is. He can feel Wonshik shudder, full bodied, against him, and is answered only with a nod.

Wonshik stands first, offering his hand. Jaehwan takes it and they both stumble on over into the living room. It's very reminiscent of that first party they'd gone to -- except this time, Jaehwan somewhat knows what he's in for. He knows what he wants, at least.

He doesn't bother wasting time, getting close and linking his wrists behind Wonshik's neck. Their heads bow close, Wonshik's hands finding Jaehwan's hips again in that possessive way that Jaehwan is able to admit he still fantasizes about.

They don’t so much dance as they do simply move together, Jaehwan’s nose eventually nudging against Wonshik’s shoulder and breath puffing out in short bursts. He’s aroused, again, shuffling his feet forward a little til their chests nearly press together.

It's too much and not enough, all at the same time. They're so close, overwhelmingly so, the scent of Wonshik's cologne and the warmth of his body everywhere Jaehwan can feel, but at the same time... all he can think about is how he still wants Wonshik _closer_. He wants that feeling from last time, of losing himself to the feeling of Wonshik's hands on his hips and his mouth on his neck.

He tries to make that clear with a wordless little whine, tipping his head to the side to expose his neck. _Please_ , he wants to say. _Mark me again, Wonshikie_. 

Wonshik's fingers tighten around him almost instantly, and he stops moving. Oops? Jaehwan might be a little drunker than intended. He definitely accidentally said that out loud.

"Jaehwan," says Wonshik, and he sounds pained. Drawing back to look at him, hands sliding down to rest on his chest instead of his neck, Jaehwan sees how strained his expression is. He hasn't let go, which is a good sign, but...

"Do you not want me?" Jaehwan finds himself saying before his brain can catch up with his mouth and stop the words from coming out. He even pouts. Wonshik actually whimpers, barely audible over the thrumming of the bass from the shitty speakers that blast music, but still there. Surreal.

"You're so fucking _cute_ ," gasps Wonshik, reaching with one hand as if to hold Jaehwan's face in his hand. Jaehwan even leans into it, expecting the touch, craving it. Wonshik stops before he gets there and pulls both of his hands back, folding his hands underneath his arms as if he can't keep them in check. "But I'm not... Jaehwan, I don't get involved with straight boys. I don't want to be an experiment for you, or something."

Jaehwan pauses.

Rewinds.

Straight?

Experimenting?

Oops.

"I'm bi!" He blurts out, once he's processed what's been said to him. A little loud, if the people around him who turn to look are any notice, but he presses on. Wonshik still doesn't look convinced. "Not bi in the sense like, bicurious, or like I just say that because I want to fuck you, but bi in the sense of like. Bisexual? You know? I want to fuck you!"

Wonshik is staring at Jaehwan like he's crazy. Jaehwan doesn't leave space for him to talk, barreling on even as more and more people are turning to listen to his babbling monologue.

"Like, I mean. That came out wrong. I want to _fuck_ you, you know? No, um. I want to! Cuddle, and stuff. And hold your hand. And I want you to take me to dinner, and shit, and write sappy songs about me that I can demo for you. We can take cute selfies! You can bring flowers to my musicals if I ever manage to score an audition, and _then_ we can fuck after! Or not! We don't have to fuck! Maybe you’re ace! I can just make you my lockscreen and we can--"

Amidst his half-drunken rambling, he doesn't see Wonshik coming until he's occupying Jaehwan's space entirely, and then... they're kissing. And he isn't mumbling anymore. And they're... kissing?

Jaehwan's head spins in the most pleasant, non-nausea fueled way, his hands fumbling around a few moments in their inability to find what they're supposed to do before finding Wonshik's shoulders. He takes a moment to catch up and kiss back, fingers seized in the lapels of Wonshik's dumb jacket to try and pull him impossibly closer.

It isn't particularly mindblowing -- it's just kissing. Jaehwan's kissed before. But it's _Wonshik_. _Wonshik_ is kissing him, skimming his teeth over Jaehwan's lip and sucking it into his mouth and holding his face and holy shit, _Wonshik is kissing him_.

It lasts far too briefly. Wonshik draws away and Jaehwan whines again, trying to chase his mouth. He knows he comes off desperate but really, he's just said so much in full earshot of so many people, he doesn't care anymore. 

"Jaehwan," says Wonshik, pressing their foreheads close. Jaehwan opens his eyes to see him, and he looks strained, speaking in a rush. "I have so many pictures of you on my phone I had to buy a new SD card to fit them all. I'm so soft for you it… it’s not even funny, anymore. You couldn't have told me a little sooner?"

That surprises a laugh out of Jaehwan, lifting an anxious weight off his shoulders he hadn't even entirely recognized had been dragging him down all night. "You like me that much, Wonshikie?"

"You have to be the cutest person I've ever seen," says Wonshik, thumb sweeping over Jaehwan's cheek, face open and honest. It still makes Jaehwan scowl.

Shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably, Jaehwan slinks forward til he can wrap both arms around Wonshik's neck and press their bodies close again, noses bumping gently. "Listen, okay, I know you're really into the whole cute thing, right? But Heeyeon made me go out with her to buy lingerie, and I'm really turned on and it's getting really uncomfortable."

It takes a few moments for Wonshik to stop shortcircuiting and he jerks once he has, grabbing Jaehwan by the wrist and dragging him through the crowd and in search of the nearest empty bedroom, mumbling something about cute boys being the death of him. Jaehwan laughs the whole way.

They just barely manage to close the door of the first unoccupied room they find before Wonshik is seizing Jaehwan by either side of his face, touch gentle but the way he leans in to kiss Jaehwan anything but. 

Jaehwan's been kissed before -- by many people, girls who knew what they wanted, girls who didn't, and less frequently, Sanghyuk, but... god, the way Wonshik kisses him? It's like something out of a shitty romane novel; like he's dehydrated, like Jaehwan's the only water source for miles. His hands are everywhere he can reach, nails dragging across the exposed strip of Jaehwan's tummy, Jaehwan's sharp breaths caught in Wonshik's mouth. Jaehwan swallows the cuss that Wonshik drops when his hands tug at the waistband of his jeans, to check if he'd been lying about the panties. (He wasn't.)

They make it to the bed with a little bit of fumbling on Jaehwan's part as he's maneuvered backwards, knees hitting the edge as he falls back and then scrambles as quickly as he can to move up towards the headboard. His head spins again, with how quickly everything's happening (and maybe a little bit of the alcohol in his bloodstream, where he hasn't entirely sobered up). 

It's wild. It's fun. He doesn't know if he's ever felt so wanted. His legs fall open to grant the space that Wonshik crawls into, hands finding his jacket once again to tug it ungraciously off his shoulders before he's distracted again, mouth and motor skills occupied entirely by trying to keep up with the enthusiasm, the _yearning_ with which Wonshik kisses him. 

His jacket falls to the floor beside the bed, and Jaehwan manages to get his shirt off between kisses, with a bit of a struggle when it gets caught on one of Wonshik's elbows. He barely has any time to admire how fucking _secretly built_ Wonshik is (as well as the tattoos he hasn't seen before) before he's being kissed silly again, Wonshik's lips trailing off his and down his neck, his collarbone.

Jaehwan, breathless and soon half-undressed, has the sudden epiphany that he really, really has no clue what he’s doing. Watching porn has only told him so much.

Wonshik, having shoved what little fabric his shirt consists of up, has his mouth on Jaehwan’s chest. It's nice. Different -- none of his past girlfriends have really been much into pampering him, the way Wonshik seems to like doing -- but good different. It’s a little more intimate, than it looked in the videos. Still good.

 _Very_ good. Wonshik's lips find one of his nipples and Jaehwan's eyes close, breath puffing past his lips in short bursts as his chest arcs into the feeling. His toes curl into the sheets of the shitty bedspread they're on, one hand moving from where his arms had loosely fit round the back of Wonshik's shoulders and finding his hair.

"Wonshik," he murmurs, breathy, and he can feel the muscles of Wonshik's back flex beneath his fingertips as he does. He can't help but bite his lip in a smile, feeling powerful. Feeling sexy, really.

His hands spread broad across the flat of Jaehwan's stomach, Wonshik lifts his head and licks his lips. Jaehwan can't imagine how he must look, his lips almost certainly swollen and shirt bunched beneath his armpits, pink in the cheeks, but if the wounded noise Wonshik makes is any indication, it must be good. 

"You're so cute," he mumbles, leaning up to pepper a few kisses, chaste, against Jaehwan's lips. He seizes Jaehwan's lip between his teeth before Jaehwan can reply, tugging it into his mouth and suckling in a way that keeps Jaehwan wordless. "How are you so cute? I don't think I've ever wanted to fuck something so cute so badly before."

Wonshik's hands slip down a little, from his stomach to his pants, reaching for the fly, and the desired and aroused feelings Jaehwan has had primarily to this point are instantly overridden by the little spike of panic that comes. He quickly reaches down to seize either of his wrists and Wonshik looks up at him, questioning, earnest. Jaehwan swallows. God, this is embarrassing.

"I don't, um," he starts, in a small voice, feeling his face warm up even further. God, he sounds like a fucking virgin. He clears his throat, puts on his Big Boy Voice. "I haven't exactly done any of this before, Wonshikie."

Wonshik, as if that's just occurred to him, pauses, his mouth dropping open into a little O. It's endearing. He immediately removes his hands from Jaehwan's jeans, though he keeps them on Jaehwan's waist. It's a little bit of touch comfort that, however subconsciously, assures Jaehwan he's still desired. (He appreciates it immensely, hadn't even known he would have needed it.)

"We can go at your pace," says Wonshik, leaning down and pressing his mouth to the space beneath Jaehwan's navel. It tickles, and Jaehwan can't help but let out a soft, involuntary giggle in response. It makes Wonshik smile, and Jaehwan warms on the inside for a reason entirely other from the one currently making itself known in his uncomfortable, scratchy underwear.

Seized by a sudden, brash confidence, Jaehwan fits his legs securely enough around Wonshik's hips to roll them over. It's a little disorienting, and not entirely coordinated, but they end up with Jaehwan in Wonshik's lap, their hips pressed together, Jaehwan bent over Wonshik with a hand on either side of his head. 

Wonshik, who clearly hadn't been expecting the change in position, takes a little bit longer to reorganize himself. Jaehwan takes advantage of that confusion to experiment, shifting til he can roll his hips down, just a little, to test what he’d seen in the porn.

It doesn't take long to figure out that it's a _good_ test -- Wonshik inhales through his teeth in a hiss and his hands find Jaehwan's waist again, just as Jaehwan grinds down again, eyes fluttering closed. It's through layers of clothing, and it's a slightly awkward angle, but it's still good. It's comfortable. It's easy.

So he keeps doing it, and Wonshik seems to be okay with that. His hands slide up Jaehwan's torso, shed him of his shirt, and he seems hellbent on drawing the most embarrassing noises out of Jaehwan. He, again, starts to play with Jaehwan's nipples, tweaking one between a finger and thumb, and no matter how hard Jaehwan bites his lip, sound continues to escape him. The only upside is how much Wonshik seems to like it.

"Wonshikie," he says -- pleads, maybe -- after some time passes and he begins to grow bored. Jaehwan doesn't have it in him to be embarrassed with how airy his voice is. 

Wonshik hums his response, hands having left Jaehwan's chest and slid round and down to his ass, groping him without any shame. He isn't paying attention. Miffed but amused, Jaehwan stops moving and gives his forearm a little slap to get his attention. Wonshik snatches his hands away like he's been caught with them in the cookie jar, looking only a little bit sorry.

"More," he demands, ears flaming. He sounds like a brat, even to his own ears, but Wonshik doesn't seem to be deterred. Instead, he grins, shifts them so he's on top again, hovering close over Jaehwan and brushing his nose across Jaehwan's cheek, their lips close but not touching.

"What, no please?" Wonshik teases, soft. Jaehwan smacks him again across the chest, and he laughs and leans away. His hands go to Jaehwan's pants, pausing and looking up for consent, which Jaehwan gives with a quick nod. He holds his breath, and lifts his hips and legs to help Wonshik shimmy him out of the penultimate bit of his clothes.

There's silence, and Jaehwan can't bring himself to look at Wonshik's reaction. Instantly, he realizes this was a terrible idea. He's wearing panties, for fuck's sake. He should never have listened to Heeyeon. Jaehwan covers his face, squeaks, _red_. He wants the bed to absorb him whole. Vore him, just swallow him up into a place where he doesn’t exist anymore.

He only finds the courage to peek through his fingers when he feels Wonshik's hands find his hips, the touch only just-there, and he has a hard time deciphering what his expression is trying to convey. He looks-- mad? Stressed out? "Why does your face look like that?" he whispers.

"I am... trying very hard not to cum," says Wonshik, very slowly, every word deliberate, as if speaking too fast will make him cream abruptly. The absurdness of the situation startles a laugh out of Jaehwan, wringing the nerves right out of him. This is Wonshik -- the same Wonshik he's seen snort up a bowl of noodles from laughing too hard. He doesn't know why he keeps getting so self conscious, over and over again. He knows Wonshik will treat him well.

"Like what you see?" He asks, putting on his best imitation porno voice and dragging a hand up his body, from his hip and over his stomach, his chest, brushing over his own nipple where it’s still sensitive and making himself shiver. It's supposed to be corny, but Wonshik almost sobs a _yes_.

"Can I suck you off," says Wonshik, and then as if in an afterthought, "please?"

Jaehwan opens and closes his mouth, at a loss for words. Wonshik must take that as hesitation, looking up from where his eyes have been glued to the little fabric strapped across Jaehwan's dick to his face. "Have you done that before? Is that familiar enough territory? Because I really, _really_ want to, Jaehwanie."

Jaehwan can hear himself whimper. He nods. Wonshik looks like a kid who's just been told he's going to Disneyland for his birthday.

He doesn't take Jaehwan's underwear off -- just pulls it down enough to where he can pull his dick out, can take it in hand by the base. Somewhere in the back of his brain, Jaehwan makes a note to look into more pieces like this, if Wonshik is this into something so simple.

Jaehwan's gotten blowjobs before. This _is_ familiar enough territory. It's still a religious experience, though, when Wonshik finally puts his mouth on him. Jaehwan wonders if having a cock makes you better at sucking cock. He supposes he's about to find out.

And _fuck_ , if Wonshik isn't one of the best blowjobs he's gotten. He takes Jaehwan in, just the head at first, spending time almost studying it, mapping it with his mouth like he's trying to get to know the exact shape of Jaehwan's dick. His tongue traces round his girth, then just barely digs into his slit, drawing a high moan out of Jaehwan. 

This is so much better than any of Jaehwan's wildest, wettest dreams. Wonshik takes the rest of him in like a fucking champ, looking up through his lashes and twisting fingers round the bits he can't fit. He begins to move, bobbing his head and sucking his cheeks in just enough to drive Jaehwan a little crazy.

"Wonshik," he groans. "Wonshik." His fingers sift into Wonshik's hair, pull just hard enough to sting a little. " _Wonshikie_."

Wonshik, from around Jaehwan's fucking _dick_ , hums his response, and Jaehwan's whole body pulls taut. He's embarrassingly worked up, for how little they've done, but he can't bring up the part of him that should care. He's enjoying himself more than he has in a long time.

He whines, in the back of his throat, squirming. His hips push up, only for Wonshik to pin them down with the hand he's not busy using, and Jaehwan isn't afraid to admit how much he likes that. He pants softly, letting his head loll back and sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. 

"I'm not going to last," he manages to get out, gasping, drawing one leg up, tensing, doing anything he can to try to last any smallest bit longer. It isn't working. He takes one look back down at Wonshik, lips stretched round his dick, and knows this is it. He never wants to get a blowjob from anyone else, ever again, for the rest of his life.

Wonshik does this-- this _thing_ with his tongue, that Jaehwan can't even begin to comprehend, one hand coming down to just rub a thumb into the space between his balls and taint ( _perineum_ , the part of his brain storing all his gay sex research yells), and that's it. He, with a moan of Wonshik's name on his lips, lets go, and thankfully Wonshik pulls back far enough to catch most of his release in his mouth as he cums.

He shudders through it, Wonshik continuing to suckle him through the aftershocks before he weakly bats at him, oversensitive, and Wonshik pulls off. There's a bit of cum on the side of his mouth that Jaehwan reaches down to wipe away, absently tucking his thumb into his mouth afterwards to clean it without thinking much about it.

Wonshik surges up to take Jaehwan's hand from his own mouth and kiss him, as keen as always, licking his way into Jaehwan's mouth eagerly. Jaehwan is unsure if he's exactly fond of the taste of his own dick, his own cum, but he doesn't complain. He's pliant in his post-orgasm glow, a little hazy, blissed out.

Not so blissed out, though, that he forgets about Wonshik. He presses a hand to Wonshik's chest, trails down towards his waistband, nearly there before Wonshik stops him by taking his hand. 

"You don't have to--"

"I _want_ to," huffs Jaehwan, wriggling out from underneath Wonshik to sit up a little farther, undo his belt with an efficiency he hadn't even known he possessed, and then pull it from its loops. It's once he's got Wonshik's fly down that he gets a little shy, looking up for a bit of guidance.

"It's not much different than yourself," mumbles Wonshik, red from his hairline down and into his chest. He's got that pinched look again, and Jaehwan figures he's having to try not to lose it again. 

So, Jaehwan pushes Wonshik down to sit, slides his pants and boxers down enough to where he's face to face with his dick, and stares for a few seconds. Just like his own? Wonshik shifts from side to side, apparently a little uncomfortable with Jaehwan having a standoff with his dick, so Jaehwan takes it in one of his hands instead. Then the other. Then he switches again, trying to figure out what’s most comfortable.

Wonshik opens his mouth, as if to tell Jaehwan again that he doesn't have to, but Jaehwan shushes him before he even starts, sliding his thumb up and over the top of Wonshik's dick, effectively shutting him up. The bed shakes a little, with how violently Wonshik reacts. If Jaehwan had felt ashamed before, of how sensitive he felt, any of that feeling is gone now in seeing how Wonshik reacts to even just the smallest things he does.

He starts to jerk Wonshik off, the same way he would do himself -- a little fast, a little rough. It's kind of awkward, doing it to someone else, and his wrist tweaks a little in protest, but Wonshik is making these huffy, gruff noises that put any ideas of stopping somewhere far, far away. 

He leans in close, pressing his mouth to Wonshik's jaw, trailing open, wet kisses down his neck, delighting in the way Wonshik responds beneath him. This, he knows. He latches onto a spot where he can feel Wonshik's pulse, somewhere definitely visible, sucking and pulling with his teeth til he's positive there's a mark there. He moves lower, pressing Wonshik back and onto the support of his own elbows, spitting into one hand to keep the handjob at least a little pleasant and holding himself up with the other.

He drags his teeth over Wonshik's tattoos -- one that he's pretty sure says YOLO(?), an angel on his ribs, and of course, lastly, on the rainbow on his chest. He spends some extra time there, nipping along the line of Wonshik's clavicle, reddening the skin there. 

"Jaehwan," whispers Wonshik, voice tight. He's tipped his head back to the ceiling, when Jaehwan lifts his head to look at him, and when he glances back down, he shivers, moaning. "Holy shit. Holy _shit_ , Jaehwan."

"Mister lyrical master seems to have run out of words," says Jaehwan, cheeky, grinning in the crooked way he knows is attractive. Wonshik sounds like he's going to start crying, and Jaehwan kisses the sounds out of his mouth with a laugh. "And you say I'm cute. Are you going to cum?"

" _Jaehwan_ ," says Wonshik, panting against his mouth. His hips are rocking up into Jaehwan's hand, his knuckles white from where he holds so tight onto the sheets. He's trembling, ready to come loose at the seams, and Jaehwan wants to pry him apart. 

"C'mon," murmurs Jaehwan, pout in his voice. He turns his head, dragging his teeth across the shell of Wonshik's ear. "Do it for me, Wonshikie. Please?"

That, it seems, is enough for Wonshik. He gives a little half-shout, something that sort of resembles Jaehwan's name, hips stuttering up as he spills all over Jaehwan's hand, over his own stomach. It's sloppy, and kind of icky, but nothing Jaehwan doesn't like. He pumps Wonshik through it, til he's shaking and done, trying to subtly squirm away.

Wonshik slumps just a little, muscles gone loose, and Jaehwan flops beside him on the bed, sliding one leg through and between Wonshik's to tangle them loosely together. He stares at the mess on his hand, thoughtful, bringing his hand to his own mouth and only stopping when he hears a noise of protest from Wonshik beside him.

"You're going to get me hard again," says Wonshik, sounding weak. His eyes flicker between Jaehwan's hand and his face, looking almost fearful. Smirking, Jaehwan pops a finger into his mouth, sinking down to the third knuckle, delighting in the distressed sound it draws out of Wonshik.

\---

"Move, I'm gay."

"You're bi," says Seokjin, sounding affronted as he's pushed almost entirely off the bench for Jaehwan to sit down in his place, half in the seat proper and half draped all over Wonshik. "Not the same thing."

"Homophobe," says Jaehwan, sticking his tongue out in all his maturity. Seokjin gives him A Look. Jaehwan looks down to Wonshik for backup, eyes softening and lips pouting just enough to butter his boyfriend up -- but really, he barely even needs to. 

Wonshik, ever compliant to Jaehwan's whims, slides an arm round his waist, tugging him close, and peers round at Seokjin with an air of sympathy for his cause, "You know you won't win this argument."

"Don't be heterophobic," says Heeyeon, resting back against the chest of Hyojin where they're sat together on the grass. She's very clearly trying not to laugh at her own dumb joke, and Jaehwan only shakes his head in disappointment. 

"Thanks for the support, babe," he mumbles to Wonshik, turning to press a little kiss to his cheek. The validation does exactly as intended -- Wonshik breaks into a wide, fond smile, eyes shining as he looks at Jaehwan and stirs up something warm, familiar, and fluttery there. 

It's one of Jaehwan's favorite looks that Wonshik has while gazing at him -- right up there with the one he gets whenever Jaehwan gets naked, and the even softer one that comes when he tells him he loves him. He's also pretty fond of how proud Wonshik had looked when he'd passed his songwriting course final without any of Wonshik's help, doing everything on his own. That was a good feeling.

It's cheesy, and sounds like some shitty romcom thought, but... it's moments like these, really, that make Jaehwan happy he'd met Wonshik. He's happy he went to the GSA, he's happy he has the friends that he does, and he's beyond happy that he's figured out who he is. He hadn't necessarily felt incomplete before figuring out he was bi, but Jaehwan is comfortable enough saying he feels much more complete now, knowing that he is. He's especially comfortable with Wonshik there alongside him to support him through it, along with all his friends. 

He knows what his friends meant, now, when they said they hadn't seen him hung up on many of his previous girlfriends like he was with Wonshik. He loves him, honestly and truly. He's more than ecstatic whenever he's reminded that Wonshik loves him, too. (Which is often, but just as exciting every time. Whenever he visits Wonshik’s studio, sees that his gay-spiration wall has become overrun with pictures of Jaehwan, his heart swells eighteen sizes too big, like the Grinch on steroids.)

"Are you done making heart eyes emoji at each other, or can we start this?" Junghwan says, a little louder than necessary, but it flusters Wonshik enough to turn away from Jaehwan and towards their friends, pink in the cheeks. Jaehwan, free of any shame, nestles down and makes himself small enough to fit his head on Wonshik's shoulder, though not before drawing out his dice and his character sheets.

"Go ahead, almighty DM," says Jaehwan, dry. Junghwan flips him off before launching into a spiel about their party's newest quest. 

Jaehwan mostly tunes him out (his character is flighty enough to not have to know all the details, anyways) and instead peeks up at Wonshik, smiling quietly to himself. Wonshik eventually notices, smiles shyly, and leans down to dot a kiss to the tip of his nose. Everything is well. Everything is gay.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading til the end. comments and kudos are always always appreciated and i try to reply to everything i get. kisses. see u whenever i find muse to write somethin new
> 
> bonus things i couldn't fit in the fic:
> 
> 1\. taemin and jongin are also at the same school and are close friends with wonshik, but being dance majors at the top of their programs, they can only attend once or twice a year. taemin is nonbinary, and jongin is The Most Supportive Boyfriend in helping with dysphoria and hyping them up at all times. they both spend any time they can make for gsa taunting wonshik and derailing everything to make his life a living hell.
> 
> 2\. hongbin, while not in the fic at all (oops), is friends with hakyeon, taekwoon, and jaehwan. he uses them as models for his photography projects pretty often, but doesn't find the time or effort between school and his not so secret overwatch twitch channel to ever go to gsa with them.
> 
> 3\. sanghyuk is a baby who thinks he's just a comfortable straight with an appreciation for men's aesthetic in this fic, but has his own bi realization later on in university, when he realizes how much he really really likes jaehwan's ass -- beyond just aesthetic purposes. wonshik's much too possessive to let sanghyuk into their bedroom, so he finds his way into hakyeon and taekwoon's instead, and stays there for a while. eventually, he moves in permanently.


End file.
